the Simple Stuf

Living Life by Faith

The mini Ballmers were in Texas and Colorado for two weeks, Kelly was in Dayton, I was in Mississippi, the Cornwells and Hunsakers were busy. It was nice to be reunited tonight. We ate Dominoes, the guys took the three babies swimming in the pool (Halle absolutely loved it for the 1st time!!!) and then we sat down to chat.

The big topic tonight was finding the balance between living by faith vs. living by godly wisdom. i.e. If God opens and closes the womb, do we trust him to do his job and trust him to provide if we end up with 16 children? If God provides food and clothes for the sparrows and lilies, does that mean that we do not need to work and we will be provided for? Our questions weren't that simple or simply point, but you get the idea.

When 1 of our friends moved here they were CLEARLYwalking by faith . They were so free, so joyous, so infectious. As life went on he got married, had a baby and received a lot of "sound" advice and he can feel the departure and distance from that lifestyle of raw faith he once lived by, but he feels that it has possibly been traded in for godly wisdom. Can you live by both? We have a friend who says he lives by faith and trusts God to provide, but when he is present he sucks life, resources and energy from everyone around and gives little in return. His "life by faith" does not reflect life to others. It seems the Stetlers are living by faith, and God always provides for them, even when it seems he couldn't. I am trying to live like that... Live by faith and not by sight.

Rare Form

The mission trip to Pascagoula was amazing. Convictions about life and community and church that I have been discussing with my family and little community over the past few months became a reality for me. Hard work was done, roofing homes was truely an act of worship, unity was realized, relationships were formed, solidified and nurtured.

I don't want to start writing too much about it because I couldn't stop. The result was a clear sign of new life in me. I was in rare form. I entered into a state I have not been in a few years. I began to operate out of this pure joy. The realization that what we had done in Mississippi is what we should be doing back home, became so real and natural to me.

On the 17 hour trip home I enjoyed one of the most entertaining road trips I have ever been on. My actions were reminiscient of me during my freshman year of college or my Point Loma days or the early days with the Ballmers and Hunsakers here in Findlay. If you were a part of any of those times in my life you may be able to identify what I am getting at. When I know I am doing exactlly what the Lord wants me to be doing and I am doing it in community and I feel united and at peace with my community a fire is ignited. My joy turns into pure enthusiasm for life and laughter and honesty and bonding. I develop this unquenchable need to spread joy to others and to give love selflessly. Somehow this mission trip unlocked that part of me. To be honest, it is a little embarrassing, because I can become quite hyper and a little out of control when I am in that mode... but it sure felt good to go there.

An hour after I was home the reality of the awkwardness surrounding the life of our church right now, but somehow The Lord was able to overcome that this morning and I was able to give life rather than suck it out of others, as I have fallen into the habit of lately.

So... the mission trip was AMAZING

Things my eyes were opened to in the past week or so:
*My attitude/actions at church/home have been very selfish rather than selfless for a while.
*My frustration/tension over church and what it could/should look like has pushed me toward a negative and critical nature
*I have been rather dead to most of those I go to Sunday church with, for quite some time... I just haven't invested myself in anything beyond hello and a quick smile.
*There is a need for renewal in me, which was begun, but not completed on the trip
*I have no clue what the Lord wants to do with our lives right now. I am in the wilderness, waiting for directions, but having a hard time discerning God's voice.

Pascagoula

I am on a mission trip to Pascogoula, Mississippi. I am excited, yet unprepared. I have been working on a huge Master's class project every extra moment for the past 7 days. I stayed up till 1am, 3am, 1am and 6am consecutively... I also slept in a couple of those days to make up for it.

I am excited to be going on this trip, but ashamed it has taken us so long to respond. The moment the first hurricane hit the coast I knew I needed to be down here. I knew we needed to repond. It has taken so long to transpire. I know there is still a lot of work to be done, but coming down now seesm like it is more for us. Coming down immediately would have seemed like it was more for them, more for him. It seems like we fit it into our schedule, more than we adjusted our schedules to respond to a desperate need.

I am still excited about this time. I am excited to work outside, in the hot heat, with dirty hands and a worn down body. I am excited to be outside my comfort zone. These seem to be the times I can actually put myself aside and listen more intently to my Savior. It seems that I need to broken, physically/mentally/emotionally, in order to truly surrender my ego, my agenda, myself.

Dave & John B lost this grandfather this week. Pray for them and their family please.

Coffee & Conversation: The Bible

We had Coffee & Conversation tonight. It is a spin off of Beer & Bull, which was a pasttime for me & my apartment mates in college. It began as something we did every 3-4 weeks, became every other week, became most weeks and now is at a point that it feels weird when it doesn't happen... at least once in a week. We gather. We eat often. We drink coffee always. We converse... the topics range from the authority of the bible (tonight's topic), to revelation, to the church, to propriety in worship. The Word is read, opinions are shared freely, and occasionally tension is subtely present. Tonight was such a night, but that is not why I am writing. I am writing because I have been a slacker... and because I realized I should always post our topics and major discussions on here. This is my community. This is our life together. This is why I began this blog in the first place to record our collective journey.

Tonight Major Topic: The Bible
Present: Five Couples and a Single Guy (mainly in our 20's) & 1-10 yr. old girl was in the room.

Major Questions:
1) Is the Bible inerrant?
2) Is the Bible absolute and authoritative?
3) Is the Bible literal (using Genesis 1 as the primary text for debate)?
4) Should Scripture norm everything else, or can Tradition, Experience, History, Archaeology, etc norm Scripture?
5) Can the Bible be both Historical and Narrative?
6) Is metaphor used in the Bible (ex: Job)? If so, how do you know when it is metaphor and when it is not?

It got intense. Whew! But, in the end it felt good and we were glad we brought it to the table. We experienced the Body in a special way. We debated. We disagreed. We got frustrated. We recognized truth from the other side. We understood one another more. We understood God more. Any thoughts on any of these questions from any of you. I am not looking to fight. I just want to hear where you stand on this and why. I will admit... i am still working this thing out.

Also... please pray for Dave & John B.'s grandad and family today.

Two Week Vacation

We have been on vacation for two weeks now. We have the next two days off as well. I go back on Wednesday. I have never felt more disconnected, more distant, more removed from my church in the 5 years I have been here. I think it is because we have stayed in town to work on our house most of the time. When you are out of town everything is out of mind for the most part. When you are in town you still drive by the same places, see the same people, etc. We have intentionally not been present, and I think it has been good for us. I did start missing my teens this past week, but I think that is natural probably. There have been some somewhat major things going on at the church and I am completely out of the loop. That is a little wierd, but feels really good at the same time.

It has been a strange two weeks, but it has felt good to be mentally and physically removed from my vocation these past two weeks. Just some thoughts.

Signs of the APOCALYPSE

This is easily my favorite section of my occasional read of Sports Illustrated. It is a simple little rectangle somewhere in the first 30 pages entitled: "Signs of the APOCALYPSE".

I thought most of your would appreciate this one from the June 5th issue, involving one of our favorite icons and heroes:

"Televangelist Pat Robertson, 76, claims he recently leg-pressed one ton-- twice what most elite atheltes can press-- thanks to a portein shake containing flaxseed oil."

Birthday Cheese

I promise I am going to clarify and expound on the 2nd to last post, but for now...

My 29th birthday has been a little wierd for me. I feel old. I feel that if I die when I am 60, then it (life) is practically half over. If it is half over, then I really want to enjoy more peace and joy and authentic living in the next half than I have in the past 7 years.

One thing that has made my birthday more bearable is my sister's birthday gift. A basket of cheese. One block of Smoked Cheddar and one block of Black Diamond (white) Cheddar, as well as some crackers and Honey spread (a memory of our youth). It is all from the Cuba Cheese Company, which is in the small town of Cuba close to Houghton where she lives. As I cut into the Black Diamond Cheddar last night and put the first piece in my mouth I knew that all was right in the world. I knew that as long as I was eating that cheese everything inside me would be peaceful and joyful. Who knew that cheese could mean so much... but boy is is good. I love the fact that my sister knew the perfect, creative gift for her brother... cheese. Thanks Sunshine. Kelly and JP thank you as well (for the small morsels I have shared with them).

By the way, JP is a former student from my first ministry in Marietta, who is interning with me this summer. He is also living with Kelly and I, our first experiment in communal living of any sort. We are loving it. He is a good friend, an awesome big brother for Halle and a natural part of our lives already (2 weeks in).

Infiltration

My blog was infiltrated by an anonymous commenter trying to insult me so I have now changed my settings to only allow comments by registered users. I am not the first to have to do this in the past few weeks. Blogging has been a great way for many of us to connect, reconnect and keep one another updated on what is making us tick. I hate that we have to protect ourselves from critics, cynics and mean people alike.

If you want to comment... register with blogger and start logging in... I know it is an extra step for you livejournal and xanga lovers, but... Ben Spain I did it for you on livejournal.

Anonymous poster. Call me. 419.425.8828. Don't be a wimp.

A Fatal Shot

I have always been very eccumenical and led that charge wherever I was at, but...

I grew up Nazarene.
I have always been committed to the Nazarene church.
I have always felt obligated to the Nazarene church.
I have always felt I could/would help "change" the Nazarene church.
I have known no other reality that this.

I recently realized that no matter how committed I am to the Nazarene church, it is not committed to me. I have seen a few close "Nazarene" friends rejected, ridiculed and dismissed due to differences that contradicted tradition, but not Scripture.

Tonight James the Nazarene took a fatal shot.
It was a little conversation, with a few eye-opening statements that fired the trigger.
I feel like James the Nazarene is stumbling around right now, but it only a short time before he falls.
I don't know if healing is possible at this point, perhaps survival, but I am not sure about healing.

I have no clue what life will look like when I get back up. I have no clue what kind of impact this will have on the future of my family. I am not saying I am moving or resigning or running. I am just saying I am really broken right now, really stumbling around, really dizzy from it all. Tonight hurt.

I really don't know what all this means for me. It may only look different on the inside for a while, or it may look different on the outside very soon.
All I really know is that James the Nazarene took a fatal shot.

I Am Least in the Kingdom

The Shema
Deuteronomy 6:4-9
4Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. 5Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

It is simply worded Scripture. It is clear Scripture. It is spelled out, specific, effective
Scripture. It is a command and charge in Scripture, but I don't see the vast majority of American Christians, following this very basic command. This passage says to me that each Christian parent is called to impress the ways of the Lord on the hearts of their children. We are called to talk about it every chance we get, surround our kids in it and bathe them in the Word. I think we often dismiss it because we throw it out with the rest of the "law", but I think the results we are now experiencing in America is confirmation that we have been wrong in doing this. Very wrong.

Jesus' words:
Matthew 5:17-20
17"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven."

Question:
Am I on track to be called least in the kingdom of heaven, because I am teaching/enabling parents to continue to abdicate their role as Spiritual Head in the life of the children?

Can I change the way we do things and use my role to establish those kinds of relationships in the families of our church?

This is my quest right now. I am not comfortable being the spiritual head for all of these teens, or training other adult/student leaders to. I feel Scripture is pretty clear that this role belongs to their parents. Just because the parents have handed me the batton, it doesn't mean I can't hand it back to them.

Thoughts anyone?

A Little Stat = A does of reality:
How many "regular youth group attendees" stayed in church after high school?
Best Statistics say18%
Worst Statistics say: 8%
The system seems broken to me...

One Family

It is only one family, but it is tearing me up.

I found out this afternoon that a family from our church has essentially left our church primarily because of my ministry. They have been gone two weeks "church shopping" for a youth group where their daughter "fits in" better. This is the first time I have ever known what this feels like. I have had a family consider this once before, but I had the opportunity to talk to them and explain about how the body of Christ has a responsibility to work through issues rather than run from them, which is what we then did. This time it was just like, BAM... they were gone. They didn't even mention one sniff of it to me or P. Mike.

The thing is... they say it isn't about me. They like me. They have told me they love when I preach. They enjoy my company. I even exchanged e-mails with the mom last week where she thanked me for my ministry and concern for the youth of this community.

It isn't me. It is my kids. They say that the kids who come to our youth group are the "scary kids" from Findlay High School and their daughter doesn't fit in with them. The "scary kids".

I didn't have the eyes to see "scary kids" when I was in high school, because my parents never let me. My parents blessed me with eyes of equality. I didn't think someone was too wierd, too smelly, too loud, too quiet, too black or too Amish. Don't get me wrong. I didn't like some people, I was mean at times, but overall I had eyes of equality. I couldn't see "scary kids", because to me they were normal kids.

I have seen this over and over here though. This is probably the 6th or 7th family who has commented on our scary kids. My scary kids don't do drugs, they don't start fights, they don't have sex in the youth room. You know what makes them scary? They dress in black a lot and they are poor. As far as poor goes... I mean middle to lower-middle class. Now, no one will admit this is a factor, but it is clearly a factor, but class is clearly a factor. We have some amazing kids in our youth group, with a heart for God, who don't have the right "look", who are grouped right in there with the others. As far as the clothing... I am not talking chains, piercings, black make-up and tatooes either (well, maybe a chain on a special occasion). I am talking about black jeans and a hoodie. Are they easy to talk to? No. Are they bubbling with holy joy? No. Are they calm, quiet and attentive? No. But neither are my preppy kids. In fact, if anyone is doing drugs (marijuana) and pushing the limits our parent's are fearful of, it is probably some of the preppy kids. In fact, it is some of the preppy kids.

Here is the thing. The preppy kids are the scary kids to the dark kids, because they are unapproachable, because they generally do avoid them, because they are the "cool" kids at school. I walked into the "scary kids" small group four weeks ago because there were a lot of them there and I was going to split their group for the night. In one voice the shouted (behind a closed door) "Rejects Unite!" "Don't split the rejects." "Don't split the rejects." "Don't split the rejects." They were laughing the whole time and I came back with "you guys aren't rejects". One of them responded, "James, yes we are. Do you see anyone talking to us? We are the rejects and we are proud. At least we know who we are."

I just don't understand. Am I supposed to reject those kids, just like everyone else does, so that our youth group is more comfortable, smooth and clean?

I don't want to.
I can't.
I won't.

It is only one family, but it is tearing me up.

---------------------------------To anyone from My Church--------------------------
I don't know if anyone from my church reads this to be honest. I have battled with whether or not to post this, but there are tears in my eyes and I feel compelled to be honest with my friends who I know commune with me on here. So, if you are from the church. Call me. Don't run and tell someone else about this or report me to the pastor. These are my feelings and if you found this blog somehow, somewhere on-line, respect what it is... a letter to my close friends, sharing my blunt feelings. If you want to talk, I want to talk to you.
Thanks for honoring that.
James

Conversations

I like conversations.

I like honest, raw, intense, peaceful, meaningful, real, connecting types of conversations. I have a had a lot the past few days. My busy weeks have led to lots of questions. Lots of distaste for busy weeks and busy lives. Lots of conversations about those things. Friends. Small Group. Our Body. My Pastor. Other Pastors.

We are talking it out. We are praying it out. We are fleshing it out. We'll see what "it" is.

Motion

It is warm outside. I am locked inside. I have so much to catch up on. My past two weeks have been constant motion.

I have basically been away from home for two solid weeks, not literally, but practically. Probably the busiest two weeks of my ministry here at Findlay. It is strange mostly because of how opposite this is of our way of life. Our ministry is slower than most folks. We don't overprogram. We don't over entertain. We spread out events out (1 big one every 2-4 months, 1 smaller one on the other months). We take it easy, but the last two weeks have not been easy. There have been some sweet times on the ride, but not much sleep, and even less rest for my mind and soul. I am still waiting on the rest.

It began with two days of prep and execution of our 2000+ person Upward Awards Night, for which I was the MC. Two days later our church hosted our District BLAST, with over 400 students and all their competitive parents in attendance. If you have ever been to our church you will realize it is a decent size, but perhaps not for 600+ attendees. I can still smell the sweat in the sanctuary. The next day was Sunday, The Lord's day, and the day of the matinee for Hello Dolly, which three of my teens were in, for their last performance. I capitalized on the moment and went with a couple other teens. It was actually quite good and yet annoying at the same time... hmmmm.
I left that night for class in Huntington, Indiana, where I was at until Wednesday night, when I got home just in time for youth group. I actually really enjoy going to class, especially when I am taking one with my friend Darren K. from Troy. We play about 90 hours of racquetball when we aren't in class, have a ton to talk about and stay in this old monastery turned retreat center, that is cheap, but really freaky if you are alone.
Done yet? No. Off day on Thursday and then off for Acquire the Fire/Battlecry in Detroit, a 35,000 person, pump em up, equip em for the "battle" (language I am personally REALLY annoyed by), lots of loud music and jumping around, little sleep two day youth event. We brought 40, came home with 38 and called it even.
My highlight was worshipping with Delirious. I love the freedom of worshipping with 35,000 people. I love the freedom to jump when I feel like celebrating. I love the freedom to kneel when I feel humbled. I love the freedom to scream out my praises to God or whisper them softly below the roar of other voices. I am not addicted to that kind of experience, but when it comes along I cherish it. It happens three places: Really Big Youth Events, My house, Vineyard Churches (or at least some of them).

I just needed to vent all of this to remember that whenever I feel slammed and stressed I can look back to these two weeks and feel sweet relief. By the way, my daughter has decided to change a lot the past two weeks of craziness: crawling, pulling herself up on couches, entertainment centers, legs, coffee tables, her bed rails, tv trays, etc., using the next level of car seat and she is potty trained... okay not exactly the last one, but the other developments have seemed huge! Check out her sweet pics (thanks to my hottie wife) at her blog: www.onenuggettogo.blogspot.com. If you do check the site out make sure you look at the October pics in the yellow dress... they are my favorite. I want to warn you if you haven't seen her before. She is really cute. I'm serious. Really cute.
Peace Friends.

Thursday Morning

Our heart's desire is be in Columbus today with the Landing Place community and all those gathered to honor and remember Mark Palmer. But we are here. In Findlay. In Prayer for the friends and family gathered there. I never met Mark. I have never met his Amy and Micah, but I knew them. Through the journal. Through stories. Through mutual friends. It is striking to me how many lives Mark has touched through his desire to live more simply and live more authentically in community. It is refreshing to see someone have such a profound impact on so many souls without selling and promoting themselves. We were talking about what it means to be Christlike at youth group last night and I now see the connection. Jesus never had to draw a crowd to Him. They could see that there was something different in Him and they were drawn in. It seems the same can be said of Mark. He didn't have to seek a crowd or an audience, but many of us were naturally drawn to the light and life we saw in him, whether on his journal, through stories or in person.

Amy and Micah, may comfort come to you in a way that only God can give it, in a way that you can not explain it, in a way that you can breathe because of it.

So it took 3 days

I know I said I would write later that day or the next day, but hey three days later is about the same thing... right?

So, why are we staying where we are at?
It really ended up having more to do with where we are at than where we were thinking of going. I called the pastor of the church in Boston back on Tuesday night to talk through many of the issues/concerns/ideas I had. I had called Kyle Myers earlier that day and gotten pretty pumped up from our conversation, so I had to know where the pastor stood and whether or not I was glamorizing the situation, which I have the tendency to do. The pastor and I talked for close to an hour and a half. I had a whole list of questions I had written in my journal. We discussed some of the Non-Negotiables for my family and some of my Step 1 questions (pre-resume discussion). I also had questions for Step 2 (after I send in my resume and before I would interview) and Step 3 (at the interview, basically laying every card on the table), but I left them for a latter time. I figured I had freaked him out enough with some of my thoughts, and I didn't need to freak him out anymore unless we decided to get more serious.

The call went well. After I got off the phone Kelly asked me how it went. I said, "I couldn't tell if he got me, or if he really wanted me to get me." Kelly had begun to enter into shut down mode while I was on the phone. She realized how serious this was getting and that I was a lot more excited about this than anything else that had come down our path the past two years. She could tell I had put a lot of thought and prayer into this one and was torn on whether or not to dust off the old resume and work on it a bit. She could tell our lives could possibly be about to radically change. She remembered how good we do have it, how amazing our community of fellow believers really is, how hard we have worked to gain what we have here and how difficult it would be to start over. Within an hour of the end of the phone call we both knew where our hearts were. It was an amazing marriage moment as our shared excitement about this open door simultaneously changed to peace about where we are and excitement about what God is doing here. It was actually eerie how sudden and simultaneous is was...like a God-thing...hmmm?

I want to share the reasons, the reservations, the realizations, the conversations of the days that followed, for the lessons God is teaching us are ones we could only learn through this experience, these emotions, this invitation and the conversations that have surrounded it. It has helped us to clarify our direction and our vision for our family. I am excited to share some of that with you, but a cold bed and a short night await me, so I must go. Thanks for your comments and insights. They are helpful and encouraging. I love that we can journey together on here, even from far away. Peace.

An Explained Absence

My silence has not been for intended suspense but because of a conversation that needed to take place before I posted again. That conversation finally happened last Wednesday, but this is the first opportunity I have had to write since that time.

The knots I spoke of were caused by a possible opportunity for Kelly and I. An open door. An enticing option. We have received quite a few calls in the past year, but this was the first one that made us a bit nervous, because it was the first one that seemed to potentially fit some of the ideas we have about how and where God might want to use us. The call was from a church, it is on a college campus (ENC), I know the pastor personally, they are wanting to start an "emergent" service (their term), we are drawn to that city (Boston) and it was a call to be their youth pastor. The pastor is an old friend/acquaintance whom I was honestly honored to have think of me. So why was it appealing?

1) The college. We would love to serve on a college campus. Kelly and I feel that the church has a long way to go if we truly want to reach the generation of kids, teens, young adults and many older adults whom we live beside in today's world. We feel that a college campus is an awesome place to help free young minds, encourage young minds and impress upon young minds with the words and call of Christ.
2) The church. It is actually on the campus, so the form of youth ministry I would do would be radically different. I would be empowering college students to live life with these students, invest in them and mentor them. I would be an equipper of people called to care for teens.
3) The community. Boston has always seemed enticing to me. I love the idea of Boston. I love the idea of living in the city. I haven't truly lived in a metropolis for almost 7 years now and I miss it. Even more so, the Myers live there. Although we haven't spend any time face to face since college we hang out rather regularly through these blogs and was pumped about the idea of diving into deeper relationship with Kyle, Kelsie and the family. In fact, Kyle was one of the first people I called about this opportunity. Our conversation honestly made the decision immensely more difficult, because even as our desire faded for the work at that church, our desire to live life with the Myers grew.
4) The"Emergent Service". I feel that the way "The Church" lives as the body of Christ does need to radically change and it is difficult constantly trying to convince people of that. I was impressed that this church sees the need for something new and different. I don't pretend to know what that looks like, and I am definitely not convinced it will be found in another "service", but the idea is something to work with. It seemed like a good place to begin.

So, why not? Why are we staying where we are at? Well, this is already too long and my carpal tunnel is starting to rebel (we seriously think I may have this... Ridiculous), so I will write later or tomorrow, but it will definitely not be two or three weeks, because I am so excited to how the Lord worked in our lives through this and what I think He is wanting to do right here where we are at... Possibly. :-)
You never know. It could all change tomorrow, but I sure hope not.

Tightening Knots

Those knots are tighter now. I am tense today in that unhealthy, verge of shutting down way. I feel something big stirring in my life, but I hesitate to divulge any details because I don't know them. All I do know is that my mind has been racing the past few days. I am talking fast- forward, back and forth, running in circles racing. I don't know what is stirring, and whenever I try to talk about it I tend to contradict myself every couple of minutes, because I am little confused about what it is.

I feel pressure. Pressure to make some big decision. Pressure to say "yes" or "no" or "I have a dream" or "Here is my vision" or something that is decisive and different and changes my life and the lives of those around me, or those who I wish to be around.

Today could be a big day. I appreciate your prayers as I have some important conversations coming my way. I really just want to be a simple Christ follower, but the transition from where I am to simplicity seems anything but simple.

Knots

I have some knots in my stomach and a little tension in my body, but a good tension. I am excited. I feel good about how the Lord is pushing me right now. I feel good about the things He is making me think about. I feel good about the areas in my life I have felt checked on in that gentle way that only a completely loving and in-love God can do.

It is 11:38pm, which is not late, but isn't too early either. I should be winding down, but inside I am rather wound up. It feels good, because I had almost forgotten what it feels like to be wound up, close to midnight, with no caffine pumping and only your thoughts and prayers to energize you.

Vulnerability Dump

Thinking a lot... I need Christ more. I need to rest on Him more, to talk to Him more, to listen to Him more, to trust Him more. I need to slow down. I need to stop trying to figure it all out.

I just need to relax and talk to Jesus, more than I try to figure out what He does or doesn't want life/community/church to look like.

I am so mentally tired and spiritually blah...

I also need to find my self-worth and self-esteem in Him more than I do in others or in other things. I am so sick of that battle!

-just a brief moment of simple, utter, vulnerable honesty.

Hospital Visits in Columbus

I had a hospital visit to go to in Columbus on Tuesday and had to be there at 7:30 am. We decided that me leaving between 5-5:30am wouldn't be safe, considering my morning driving skills, so I headed up Monday night to for a sleepover at the Ballengers. I didn't arrive until 11:15pm or so, but managed to keep Dave awake until 1:30am (or later). I couldn't of handeled being there and not getting a good talk in with him. I can generally survive on little sleep, but I am not sure how that impacted Dave the next day. Hopefully he was able to snag a nap in his office, or with the wee ones during nap time.

I spent a few hours with the family and decided to head out sometime after 10am to find Eric Stetler. I met him at the house, hugged Kerri, squeezed on Trey and Riley a bit and we took off for Stauf's. We stopped by Redcay's on the way, but left disheartened by the lack of answer. I was pretty pumped standing on Redcay's porch anticipating him opening that door, but my disappointment didn't last long, as Redcay showed up about 45 minutes later at Stauf's.

Such an awesome day. I was able to spend the next 3-4 hours with 3 guys I enjoy being around so much (we all met Dave B. for lunch). Our conversation hit on many areas and topics as I laughed my butt off. It is so relaxing to be in the presence of people you are comfortable with, people you have a history with, people who knew you and still know you. There is something about having years behind a friendship that does add a certain depth and quality. When people knew you when you were 18, it just feels like you are naturally more real and vulnerable and bare, because they know the truth. They remember the first time you mooned them. They remember the first time you questioned your faith. They remember the first time cussed or at least someone else out. They know you aren't perfect, so there is no reason acting like you are. You can relax... and just enjoy being yourself.

I think we have the power to give that quality of friendship and vulnerabilty to new friends, and I feel that I have in the past couple of years here. But... there is something about having a history together that just feel good and right. I am so long-winded. I could have just said I met those three for lunch and it made my month. Oh well.

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