A Blank Stare

How am I supposed to respond to this? How am I supposed to act? If I go to class tomorrow will I randomly break down and cry, or will a night's sleep give me some new perspective that is far from my mind right now. Jimmy Bagby is dead.
He hung himself on Sunday night... His family just started telling his friends yesterday... I found out today... I will be mourning for a long time.
One of my closest brothers from college. The one person who was willing to look into my life, call me on some secret sin struggles and then push me to overcome them. When Jimmy walked into a room it got brighter. He had a charisma that was downright magnetic and drew people from all walks of life to him. In one ten minute conversation Jimmy could get anyone to confess anything they were hiding from the world. He had a way of asking you questions about your life, probing deeper into your answers and staring you straight in the eye that said, "I care more about your life than you do. Please don't stop talking, because I want to know you!"

Time with Jimmy changed your perspective. You suddenly realized how self-absorbed, prideful and egotistical you were, because he so blatantly others-centered, humble and selfless. To this day I think of Jimmy;
everytime I blow someone off,
everytime I interrupt someone else's story to share my own,
everytime I hurry a conversation in order to talk to someone else in the room,
everytime I talk more than I listen,
everytime I share more than I hear,
everytime I fail to value the person I am talking to over myself...

Why, because I saw James Bagby do the opposite of those things a million times a day, and I never once saw him surrender to those wide-spread, selfish (almost natural) tendencies.

Jimmy loved people. He valued their time more than his own. He valued their problems more than his own. He valued their voice more than his... but it didn't seem he didn't value his.

I called him two weeks ago. He called three times since then. He called me last Friday. He called a few other people as well, as if that is any comfort for my guilty soul. I was setting up for NYI Convention, rushing around, giving people assignments. My phone rang, I saw it was Jimmy, smiled, muted it and checked the message 30 minutes later.

"James, you are blessed soul, a brother, a light in my life. Thanks you so much for continuing to pursue me throughout our lives..." he went on to say he was coming my way soon on a trip and wanted to meet up, and I believed him. I was so "busy" that night, I didn't return his call. I was so "busy" the next day, I didn't return his call. I have been so stressed with my Master's class all week, I never returned his call. Would it have mattered? I don't know, but the weight of the guilt is heavy on my shoulders.

Jimmy loved life. He loved new experiences, working with old people, eating new foods, sharing love with kids, making new intimate friends, digging deep with college kids, serving anyone, smiling, making someone smile, he loved people... He loved life.
He made me smile, but this last act of his has made me cry... alot... I don't know how to cope here. I don't know what to feel, or act or do. I have never lost a friend like this, and I feel like there is no one to blame, except those of us who weren't there and could have been. I have been through the valleys of depression and to the edge of dealing with it, and Jimmy brought me back from it more than once. I couldn't do the same for him. Why didn't the Lord stir me, or wake me, or urge me, or move me? Why LORD!!! It doesn't make any sense.

I am left with a blank stare and nothing more to offer.