The Cyclical Silence

Blogging continues to go through ebbs and flows for me, as I have noticed it does for most. The past year has been an ebb. A big, large, long, strongly receding ebb. My job is much the same way, but there has been more flow, more swells, more pushing than ebbing in my inaugural season in this Admissions role. The flow of my job has undoubtedly caused the ebbing of my blogging, or honestly of many aspects of my life, especially most avenues of reflection, relaxation and pausing in my life. Of course, some of this is natural in any new job.

I could point to a thousand things that have contributed to this lack of balance, but the largest contributor is easy for me and those closest to me to see...it is me.

I have a drive to achieve, to succeed, to win... to be the best I can be at any task, or job or challenge that I accept. My current role is an especially daunting challenge for my personality, because it involves SO MANY others. I CAN'T do it on my own. I can't achieve our goals, or my personal goals on my own. I can't succeed on my own. Every job I have had, I have leaned on and depended and trusted others to help me achieve our goals, but in some way I still felt somewhat in control. I still had my hands in most of the major daily/weekly/monthly ingredients of our recipe.

University recruitment and admissions is no such task. The 13 adults and 25+ students who work with me are just the tip of the iceberg that is the work of Admissions. The other Faculty, the other staff, university administrators, our alumni, youth pastors, pastors, teachers, guidance counselors, people I know well, people I will never know, influential teens, loud teens, happy current students, frustrated current students, staff at other schools, bloggers...all contributing daily, positively or negatively to task ahead of me...and my team.

Even with this knowledge I have constantly given in to my tendency to attempt to "do it all" for months at a time this year. Even with administrators, pastors, friends, co-workers and family reminding me of balance I have given into the pull toward imbalance. The loss of Jeremiah gave me pause...for a few hours, but then I turned to none other than my work to cope, to be distracted, to deal with the pain... or at least to be distracted from it. Since the week of our loss the teeter tooter of balance has dramatically dipper further to the side of imbalance as a busy time for our entire office descended upon us.

Somewhere in the midst of the past few weeks the need for reflection and pause and "personal time" began to shimmer in my mind. The drive to Florida and back with my family (for General Assembly), gave Kelly and I a lot of time for discussion. Through our conversations I realized how unhealthy I am right now. I haven't read, or written or reflected on practically anything not work related since Jeremiah's funeral.

So, I am trying to push the teeter totter back toward a healthy balance. I am trying to remind myself that sometimes I need to push very hard, and it takes a lot of work to get the teeter totter in my life to even pass the middle point. I am reminding others and encouraging others to remind me of that fact (which honestly many have been doing for months). I am remembering that I need to minister and live "out of the overflow".

I read Brother Lawrence today...one letter (two pages). It's a start.