The Peace That Passeth...

My Grandma Clouse died tonight around 8:30pm.

Her name was Juanita Rose Clouse. She made it clear throughout my life that I was one of her favorite people in the world. She adored me. I adored her.

It is so hard to lose someone who loves you so much, and whom you love so much. She made her love so clear to me. She always built me up. She always made me laugh. She always made me smile. She was so, so, so, so good to me.

She was my last surviving grandparent. That makes my 28th birthday (which just passed) seem a lot older. It makes me feel a little lonely, even though I still have 4 left on Kelly's side. All 4 of my grandparents played a huge role in my life. I lived with them at times. I went on road trips with them. I vacationed with them. I hung out with them. I shared with them. I helped them. They supported me as if I were a superstar, but Grandma Clouse was my biggest fan in the world.

I haven't cried yet. I knew this was coming. I even talked about it at a meeting I had tonight. They found spots 2 weeks ago on her pancreas, liver and elsewhere and we all knew what it was without the tests. She knew. She didn't want the tests. She was ready to go. I think she just let go. I am so glad she didn't have to suffer I guess. That was the one thing I was dreading with this recent news. I didn't want to have to watch her suffer for weeks, months, years.

She seemed so healthy in some regards. She did have some physical problems and Alzheimer’s , but she could still carry a sane conversation and sometimes the Alzheimer’s was fun... Like when we got to break the news that we were pregnant to her 7 times!!! She was more excited each time.

My second to last conversation with her was great. She made sense. She knew what was going on. She was aware. She was funny. She was present. She seemed so healthy.

Man, I am going to miss her!

My life circumstances have sucked lately... My friend's suicide, the kidney stones, deadlines pressing in, increasing stress at work due to all of these time-takers, being gone this entire week back and forth from District Assembly and BLAST. No time. No peace. No rest. I was actually feeling some relief tonight because of a cool new direction I feel the Lord has been leading me toward the past couple of weeks (through all of these rough circumstances). I had talked to Benji and Chris H. On the way home (from district assembly-1 hour) about it and was feeling energetic and pumped, amidst this storm, but this news just sucked it out of me. I don't understand.

So much pain. So much grief. So much the opposite of peace. Lord, if you are trying to teach me something, humble me, break me, whatever please find me ready and stop the onslaught of pain! I am broken. I am in pain. I am humbled... Aren't I?!? I want to be taught. I want to grow. I am trying to hear you, but this pain is melting my brain. I am becoming less capable of thought, less able to hear, less competent to understand. I need some relief. I feel pushed to the limit. You know how I was earlier tonight. Did this have to happen tonight?!?!?!?! One more thing? Please protect our baby. Please don't let anything happen to her. Please don't allow me to be tested in that way. I can not handle that kind of pain. I need relief Lord. I need relief.

I need peace.

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Kidney Stone Craziness

Kelly and I went out for the first night of my birthday celebration weekend last Saturday. We enjoyed some amazing cuizine at Olive Garden (I had Stuffed Chicked Marsala), Kelly had Chicken Cacitaruaoidana. All I can tell you is that they are both amazing and you can click on this link to find out more. http://www.olivegarden.com/ourmenus/dinnermenu.asp

After dinner we went to see Star Wars III with some movie Coupons we had. We made it about 1/2 way through when Kelly started getting uncomfortable. She left the theatre once... twice and then said, "I think I might have kidney stone", as she excused herself once again. You may be asking, "How does Kelly know what a kidney stone feels like"? Well, she had one about 3 months ago, which was the most painful experience of her life, and left me in tears fearing I was losing her (before I knew what it was).

So, we went to Findlay Hospital, they gave her a shot of demoral (sp) and sent us on to Bluffton (where we will be delivering the baby). We were there all night, which was a blur of IVs, demoral, nubame, barfing, moaning and crying. We finally checked out at ten on Sunday night after a 24 hour stay.

On Monday night at 5 Kelly was out shopping for a picnic we were planning with friends when she was attacked again. She came home in tears, wondering if we should go back. I didn't think there was an option, so I packed our bags and we took off. Well, now it is 9:32pm on Wednesday night and Kelly is still in the hospital gown. I dimissed myself to prepare and go to youth group today, but have been there other than that for the past 48 hours+.

It is so hard to see someone you love go through so much pain, and go on and off drugs. She was doing so well yesterday. Our amazing friends (Hunsakers) came and brought us a lasagna birthday dinner (I turned 28), complete with salad, salad dressing in little containers, amazing breadsticks and settings for 6 (Ballmers came as well on their was out of town for 3 weeks). Then our other amazing friends (the Rooks) brought dessert, a birthday cake complete with angel food, cherries, marshmallow topping, and their three kids under 5 who we ADORE!

Kelly felt so well all day, but the hospital wanted to keep her, monitor the baby, etc, but she didn't have to take any drugs from 2am Tuesday, straight through till sleep time. Then this morning came. She woke up in pain, and it only got worse. She has been wincing all day, moaning when the drugs wear off and crying alot. She feels bad about how she feels. She feels bad about it being my birthday weekend. She feels bad that she is drugging our unborn baby. She just feels bad. I just want her to feel GOOD! I don't want her to cry. I don't want her to wince. I don't want her to be in pain.

I hate Kidney Stone. I am not sure why God created them... or if they are part of the curse... but I hate Kidney Stones. If you hate them as well, let me know.

Seriously, Pray for Kelly. There has been some talk about them inducing her early if this keeps up, and they already decided today to keep her indefinitely. She needs to get through this and pass this stone, so she can enjoy her first child birth, the way she wants it to be.

Pray for her. Peace.

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Loserville

In case any of you were wondering how much of a loser I am:


One of my buddy's sites says he is only 4% loser... yeah right Roger!
I saw how you could change the numbers and was tempted to, but I wanted to take all my masks off and reveal my loserness.

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Journaling

I have done about 10 pages or written paper journaling the past few days. There is a lot swirling around in there. I am thinking that I will post some of that on here eventually, but not today. The time in California was too brief, but very helpful. I was able to share a lot of what I was feeling/dealing with while surrounded by other who totally understood, because they were feeling those same things. I left with a special new connections with some of Jimmy's friends and a boatload of lessons we all learned from his life.

Work stuff is so busy right now trying to catch up from the past three weeks or Class, Funeral, 30 hour Famine Prep. The 30 Hour Famine was amazing. the kids were amazing. The volunteers were amazing. The projects were amazing. I showed up at 8am on Saturday morning (over half-way thorugh it). Everything had gone smoothly, teaching everyone once again that they don't really need me here. It really was a new way of doing events/anything for our ministry and I look forward to what that might mean in the future of shared ministry.

We have a rad demonstration in our church lawn right now. There is a huge sign that says
"29,000 kids die every day from Hunger.
HELP! (in huge letters)
Make a Difference
30 Hour Famine
422-8660"
All around the sign is a rudimentary graveyard with rough looking crosses, made up of broken pallets, serving as the gravestones. It is a little haunting to drive by and some folks have heard people in the community talking about it. You can even see it from the interstate, which is the first cool reason I have discovered for our church's location.

I just wanted to keep you all updated. I will write some of my thoughts on all of this recent activity soon.

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A Blank Stare

How am I supposed to respond to this? How am I supposed to act? If I go to class tomorrow will I randomly break down and cry, or will a night's sleep give me some new perspective that is far from my mind right now. Jimmy Bagby is dead.
He hung himself on Sunday night... His family just started telling his friends yesterday... I found out today... I will be mourning for a long time.
One of my closest brothers from college. The one person who was willing to look into my life, call me on some secret sin struggles and then push me to overcome them. When Jimmy walked into a room it got brighter. He had a charisma that was downright magnetic and drew people from all walks of life to him. In one ten minute conversation Jimmy could get anyone to confess anything they were hiding from the world. He had a way of asking you questions about your life, probing deeper into your answers and staring you straight in the eye that said, "I care more about your life than you do. Please don't stop talking, because I want to know you!"

Time with Jimmy changed your perspective. You suddenly realized how self-absorbed, prideful and egotistical you were, because he so blatantly others-centered, humble and selfless. To this day I think of Jimmy;
everytime I blow someone off,
everytime I interrupt someone else's story to share my own,
everytime I hurry a conversation in order to talk to someone else in the room,
everytime I talk more than I listen,
everytime I share more than I hear,
everytime I fail to value the person I am talking to over myself...

Why, because I saw James Bagby do the opposite of those things a million times a day, and I never once saw him surrender to those wide-spread, selfish (almost natural) tendencies.

Jimmy loved people. He valued their time more than his own. He valued their problems more than his own. He valued their voice more than his... but it didn't seem he didn't value his.

I called him two weeks ago. He called three times since then. He called me last Friday. He called a few other people as well, as if that is any comfort for my guilty soul. I was setting up for NYI Convention, rushing around, giving people assignments. My phone rang, I saw it was Jimmy, smiled, muted it and checked the message 30 minutes later.

"James, you are blessed soul, a brother, a light in my life. Thanks you so much for continuing to pursue me throughout our lives..." he went on to say he was coming my way soon on a trip and wanted to meet up, and I believed him. I was so "busy" that night, I didn't return his call. I was so "busy" the next day, I didn't return his call. I have been so stressed with my Master's class all week, I never returned his call. Would it have mattered? I don't know, but the weight of the guilt is heavy on my shoulders.

Jimmy loved life. He loved new experiences, working with old people, eating new foods, sharing love with kids, making new intimate friends, digging deep with college kids, serving anyone, smiling, making someone smile, he loved people... He loved life.
He made me smile, but this last act of his has made me cry... alot... I don't know how to cope here. I don't know what to feel, or act or do. I have never lost a friend like this, and I feel like there is no one to blame, except those of us who weren't there and could have been. I have been through the valleys of depression and to the edge of dealing with it, and Jimmy brought me back from it more than once. I couldn't do the same for him. Why didn't the Lord stir me, or wake me, or urge me, or move me? Why LORD!!! It doesn't make any sense.

I am left with a blank stare and nothing more to offer.

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Good Night

We had an event at the high school tonight.
The Patsy McRill Dodgeball Tournament (or something to that nature).
We promoted it through FOCUS (the on-campus YFC club) and Gateway Church did most of the planning. All I had to do was show up and hang with kids. One of my teens called me today and said everyone was talking about it at school today. She said they thought it was a school event. I walked in to the gym at 6:34pm to the sound and sight of 300+ screaming high schoolers. They were there, they were loud, they were ready for some Dodgeball.
It was awesome to be in the mix, hanging with kids who don't have a clue, not expecting them to be perfect or act perfect. There was something freeing being on their turf where they were themselves. Those fringe kids who only come to events had every mask off and allowed me to see who they really are, how they really act, how they really talk. That is freeing! I just want them to be real! How can I minister to kids who I don't really know? How can I relate to kids who won't let me see who they are?
It was so nice just to hang with teens.
I love them.
I still love teens.
When I get the chance to just hang with them, I love them.
When I get overwhelmed planning for them, demanding too much from them and expecting perfection from them, I start to feel done with this.

I need more low key, out of the spotlight, taking off the mask time with kids.
That is the simple stuf.

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Bicycle Blessing

I was totally blessed last week with a new bike!

Rob, one of the guys in my Sunday Night small group, just felt like he needed to give me one. He used to race bikes and had 3-4 of them still. I have been wanting a bike so badly lately. He took a frame and basically rebuilt the bike with his favorite seat, gears, gear shifter thingy-magig, pedals, handle bars, etc.

I have taken it out for a short ride almost every day (except the 2 it rained) since he gave it to me. Such an unexpected, out of the blue, thank you Lord blessing. What makes it better is that I know this was as much for Rob as it is for me. I know that it is the Lord working in both of our lives through this selfless action.

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???The Gift of Preaching???

I believe in Scripture.
I believe that all Scriptuer is God-breathed and authoritative.
I believe there are some things I don't understand in it though.

One of those things...
The Gift of Preaching:
I can recognize it in others. I have definitely recognized the lack of it in many senior pastors. I know that it says in Ephesians that "some are called to p
I know that Jesus preached.
I know that the disciples preached on the day of Pentecost.
I know that Paul preached in the synagouges.

I preached on Sunday again. It was such a stressful week. Pastor Mike was out sick and then on vacation. I had an overnight called BLAST with the teens on Friday night. I had a 20 pager and an 8 pager to do for class... I have written all of this on here before I believe... in short there was a lot going on. I tried to be diligent. I sat down earlier in the week and worked hard to get stuff done, so that I could focus in on the sermon before BLAST. I practically cleared my docket and mind of everything by Friday AM so that I had all day to work on it. I spent a ton of time reading Scripture. Trying to hear God's voice. Seeking some guidance and wisdom. I felt He told me which way to go early Friday and pursued it. When I got back to it on Saturday evening the Lord confirmed that direction and I had a fun time writing it. Then came the practice session with Kelly at 12:30 AM on Saturday night/Sunday morning. I actually had to wake her up to do this! At the end I was convinced I couldn't do this, that it was going to be horrible if God didn't take over... and it would have been.

After the sermon the Lord sent so many more confirmations that He has given me the gift of preaching. So many wise people, loving people, honest peopel, GODLY people have come up to me and confirmed this in the past few months. One of the most radical, spirit-filled, amazing guys in our church said to me on his way out the door, "My wife and I have been talking about your gift. Don't run away from your calling James."

I don't know what that means. I guess the Lord has convinced me that one of my gifts is preaching, but I don't know how to apply that. I think the church is supposed to be much more of a community than what we see on a Sunday Morning. I think that preaching is somewhat ineffective with most people, who forget any point of the sermon by the next week. I think that people learn more about God by sharing their lives with each other, praying for one another and sharing what the Lord is revealing to them, than through a service with a talking head up front and 300 nodding (or drooping) heads in the pews.

If the church is supposed to be smaller, more communal, more intimate, more shared... then how does the gift of preaching apply to that? It would feel pretty pious and wierd to preach for 25 minutes to the community of 6-8 who meet in my home.

I am trying to understand this, struggle through this, figure this out. The reason this question impacts me so much is because I feel the Lord has specifically sent an all out assault on me to convince me of this gift. I have really run from this thing. I have tried to hide from it. I have tried to deny it even. What I do know, is that it is truly not me. It has got to be a gift, because what happens in our living room the night before is radically different than what happens in either service on Sunday Morning. When I surrender the message to Christ, He takes over and says what He wants. There are times I am literally up there talking and at the same time praying "Lord, just don't let me get in the way. Speak to us. Speak to me."

I don't know what this means.
I don't know what plans He has for me.
It was a lot more comforting to think I would be a youth pastor my entire life.
Now I don't know what He has in store, but I know it has to be centered around Christian community and I know I have to use the gifts He has given me.

Lord, I am a little scared.
Lord, lead me.
Lord, guide me.
Lord, don't let me get in the way.

WARNING: I wrote this entire entry and then realized that the "gift of Preaching" is nowhere to be found (at least in the RSV). Not in Romans 12. Not in 1 Corinthians 12. Not in Ephesians 4. In fact... here they all are to confirm it for you:

1 Corinthians 12:28-31
28 And God has appointed in the church first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, then healers, helpers, administrators, speakers in various kinds of tongues. 29 Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? 30 Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? 31 But earnestly desire the higher gifts. And I will show you a still more excellent way.

Romans 12:6-8
6 Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; 7 if service, in our serving; he who teaches, in his teaching; 8 he who exhorts, in his exhortation; he who contributes, in liberality; he who gives aid, with zeal; he who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

Ephesians 4: 11-12
11 And his gifts were that some should be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, 12 to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ,

So, I guess that means my "gift of preaching" is something else... teaching? pastoring? being an apostle? evangelizing? I have no clue. I think I am more confused now.
So what am I supposed to do with that?
I know my comments don't work, but click here and e-mail me if you can/could/would comment: jsmith@findlayfirstnaz.org

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Intense Times, Calm Times

I had an intense weekend that I will not dive into, but this week has gone well. Pastor Mike has pneumonia, which stinks for him, because he was already taking Wednesday-Sunday off to finish his basement. I feel bad for him... he was so excited.

That of course means that I am running the show this week... visiting, leading worship, preaching... not to mention youth group (which was on of the most demanding, "I need you James", "Can you sign this", "Can you help me with this", "Can we talk about something" nights I have had in a long long long time... but it was good in the end), an overnight youth trip (Fri.-Sat.), and a 6-8 page final for my history class due last week... the funny thing is that I actually feel peace through it all. I am enjoying a decent pace, going home to visit Kelly on busy days and enjoying times with our community.

We have experienced good meal times, good food, some great conversation and some fresh insights from Scripture. I feel good. I feel peace. I feel a calm... even though everything seems to be rushing around me and pushing against me. I don't get it. I will probably freak out and have a breakdown tomorrow.

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New Friends

Kelly and I joined Benji and Sarah (the little Ballmers) for dinner at the Williams' home tonight. I have seen Chris and his wife Christi around town for the past couple of years. Chrisit used to attend our MOPS program at the Naz. Chris kind of stands out in Findlay because of his long dread locks, which are completely rad. We have attended many of the same conferences, I have seen him walking around town, and run across him at different times, but never officially met him until about a month ago. I was in Salvation Army scavenging for some jeans and saw him there. I had just found out he is an Admissions Counselor at Winebrenner Seminary, where I am planning on attending as a visiting student this spring, summer and perhaps fall. I struck up a brief conversation and looked forward to talking to him more as I pursued my schooling.

A week or two later Benji went to Winebrenner to look into the possibility of him attending there with me. He met Chris, talked for a minute or two about school and an hour about everything else the Lord has been revealing to us this past year and a half through community. Chris shared many of the same sentiments and a new kindred was found.

They invited us over for spahetti, an awesome salad (spinach, strawberries, apples, cheese, carrots, ranch... for me) and some cheesey garlic bread. Their children... Hannah, Maegan and Isaiah were a joy. The conversation was one of hearing, understanding and relating. They are exploring, seeking and finding answers to many of the same questions we are asking. The time was over too soon, but I am sure there are many more to come.

The Lord's timing is so amazing. He continues to reveal new things to us, lead new friends to us and give new life to us. I have seen Chris a million times, but never got to know him until now... I don't think that is a conincidence... it seems more like a higher plan...a godly timing. It is an adventurous and exciting time in our lives. I can't wait to see the big picture He has in store... in his timing.

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Currently Reading--- Resident Aliens: life in the christian colony. Stanley Hauerwas & William H. Willimon.

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Great Conversations

I have not recorded my journey adequately on these pages. There are large gaps with many great conversations that are left off these pages. In one of my undergrad classes we had to write a time line of our lives. This timeline was to help us review where we had come from and where we were. It was to help us understand ourselves in the cumulative effort of our brief lives and thus understand others better, seeing them not in the moment, but in their lifespan or good and bad times, easy and hard times, happy and sad times. At least, that is why I think we did it.

It seems like I could use such a time line of the past two and a half years. This journey, this awakening in my life began over two and a half years ago! My accountability partner and I began to question some things we were both experiencing and thinking individually. This began to change the way we viewed things drastically, to the point that he resigned from church work about 4 months later and moved away. In November of that year I went to Nashville with 8 other youth pastors for a National Youth Workers Convention. One of my buddies and I decided to take a 8 hour Critical Concerns course on Postmodern Ministry... the emerging church stuff. It rocked us. We kept the other 6 guys up until all hours of that night discussing those things. Our heads were swimming. We knew our lives were about to change... and they have for both of us.

Since then it has been a gradual transformation of my life. At times it has moved swiftly, at times it has seemed slow, at times it has felt like it would kill me, at times I have never felt more free, at times I get so confused because I don't know what to do next. That is where I often am. I don't know where the Lord is taking me. I don't know where He is leading me. I know that He has led me though. I know that it is His hand that continually creates opportunities for growth in my life. I know that it is Him who has opened the door for so many great conversations.

I had a great conversation on Wednesday night with a good friend. The Lord gave me one of those rare opportunities for a raw conversation about where I am at, what I believe, where I think I am headed and what The Lord is teaching me... with someone who was interested, excited, inquisitive and supportive. It has been so cool how I haven't had to force my thoughts on anyone, but the Lord continues to give me opportunities when He feels the time is right to share, to hear and to grow together with one of my brothers in Christ. Wednesday night was such a great conversation. I really needed it. I needed to get some of that out, to be reminded of what the Lord has revealed to me, to be reminded not to give up and settle.

Thank you Lord for good friends, good times, great conversation. I am learning so much.

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Passover Seder

I am going to a Passover Seder in about 20 minutes. The Lord has really been revealing some crazy cool stuff to our community about Jewish customs and feasts and how they enrich our journey with and toward Christ. The two primary influences have been Dave Cornwell and Hal Fogarty, two men connected with our church in some way and connected with our lives in a more intimate way as of late. These two have been so challenging to all of us. They know the Scriptures in and out, their flame of their passion grows with age rather than fading away, their patience and pacing with us is calming. They are not puffed up with knowledge. They do not see themselves as above and beyond us in our youth. They allow us to share all our ideas and convictions and then walk through the Scriptures with us. So cool.

I will probably post more sometime on the Jewish customs and traditions that we have begun to explore a little more lately. My church history course has really revealed to me why we stopped all of those feasts and customs around 70 AD. All I will say for now is that it wasn't because the Scirptures told us to. I have really begun to feel that Paul is quite misunderstood. It had a lot more to do with persecution, rejection and retreat. I know all of this must sound crazy, but I have randomly met so many people lately who are realizing these same things.

For those of you who are so wise to realize this isn't the actual time for Passover we realize that. This seder is happening at our church actually with about 30 people from one of our adult Sunday School classes... we are doing another one at the actual time at a friend's home... not that I would have know the difference.

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Friendship, Intimacy & Community

I had a rough day. I don't know what it was. It was my off day and it started out well. I spent some time in the Word. I spent some time with Kelly. I started to work on our taxes and then something hit me. I just felt lonely, alone, isolated.

It has been interesting to see those feelings arising often in me lately. It seems that I have been very analytical when it comes to friendship lately. I feel like my friends are sick of me. I feel like they have met their quota. I feel like I have overstayed my welcome in their life. It only takes misunderstood comment, an unintentional look or a "feeling" to set me off on my self-loathing. Joe and Heidi couldn't come over tonight (Heidi has been home sick for 2 weeks until today), but Benji and Sarah came. I made it through dinner and finally blurted some of my feelings out towards the end. I don't know what I expected. I just felt I had to be real. I had to share my intense drive towards intimacy by being vulnerable and intimate. I had to lay it on the line.

I quickly felt like retreating, but opted to talk longer instead, there was little said in response. Sarah shared some encouragement, Benji went and got the guitar, Kelly and I started cleaning up and I slipped away to the Master bathroom to sit in darkness on the stool and catch my breath (pants up and on). I regrouped and heard a knock on the bedroom door. I flushed the toilet instinctively to cover up my regrouping session and saw Benji. He shared a lot of thoughts from Scripture for about 45 minutes+ as I sat and listened.

Then we prayed.

The Lord revealed to be during prayer that intimacy, community, friendship and vulnerability are all great things that He created and values, but that I often tend to place them over Him. I often get to the point that I lift my earthly friendships over my heavenly relationship. I prioritize those I can see over the One who lives inside of me. I recognized the sin. I repented to God and Benji. I asked the Lord to be my love, my heart's desire, my one true aim. I asked Him to capture me. I asked Him to make Jeremiah 29:12-14 be more real to me... that as I seek Him I will find Him, when I seek Him with all my heart!

I love my friends, but I worry too much about what they think about me, about what I do, about how I act. Classic low self-esteem case, but also classic "eyes not on the right thing" case. My eyes need to be on Jesus, not others. He needs to fill my need for intimacy and friendship and then allow my other friendships to benefit from the overflow. This is probably one of the most raw and embarrassing entries I have written.

Sometimes I feel like I am just too complicated. I usually feel like everyone else feels that way. Who am I to question God's creation? It seems like self-hatred is probably a sin. Psychologists probably wouldn't tell me that, but it seems the Scripture screams it.

Set my eyes on you Lord.

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Upward Up Yours!

I have been directing or co-directing Upward Basketball and Cheerleading at our church for four full years now. The year before I moved here they had 249 kids in the league. All of the leadership team moved away. I moved here 4 months before the season began and thought that it might be a cool thing to be involved in. 450 kids signed up that year. I was overwhelmed. I was working 70 hour weeks (no lie) regularly to try and pull it off and deal with the demands of a growing youth ministry. It was crazy!... but I survived.

The next year we had 681 kids and I was swimming once again. I basically put my youth ministry on hold for a couple of months to attempt to deal with this massive beast. Half way through the year I looked at my finances and realized I could have hired someone to work 10-15 hours a week to take some of the load off my shoulders, which I did... the following year. That year we had 850 kids sign up as I trained Heidi to transition into leadership. We hired her officially as a secretary I guess (she claims I told her that... hahaha), but the role developed into that of Director. I really took that primary role that year as Heidi learned the ropes, but she rocked it out this year with over 925 kids in the league and me assisting her from the sidelines. It has been an enormous blessing to have Heidi relieve me of this enormous pressure and free me to pursue other outlets of ministry.

Yesterday (Tuesday, March 15th) was Awards night. This thing is huge. It is this gargantuan experience that dominates a couple weeks of the year in preparation and is over in less than a couple of hours. There are hundreds of door prizes, amazing entertainment, individual awards for every player and tons of fun. The numbers have grown from 1500 or so my first year to closer to 2300 this year. This was to be my first year as the primary "right-hand" man to Heidi as the leader, but then she got sick.

Heidi is pregnant. She got a viral illness two Mondays ago, but I thought she would get better. On Thursday she went into the hospital and I began to panic. I worked on the Awards Night the rest of that day. On Friday 32 of the youth group took off on a trip to Muncie, Indiana for ATF (my teens pressured me into it). After no sleep and a lot of draining activity I got into bed in Findlay at 1am Sunday, woke up at 7, went to church, worked on Upward in the afternoon, went to the Core (leadership teens), worked on Upward at Heidi's vacant house (all the stuff was on her home computer), went to small group, returned to work on Upward, rolled into bed at 2:30am, rolled out at 9:00, worked on Upward all day, set-up 2400 chairs etc at 6pm, went home to work on stuff that I transferred onto my computer (which I just got back from the shop... out a week... that really hurt... roughly 160 e-mails... 110 were junk mail), worked on Upward until 4:30am, woke up at 8:30, met folks at the Venue at 9:00, was there until 10pm (except for a 1/2 hour shave and change clothes break).

Are you serious!?!?!? This is not a life meant for anyone. I was talking to a friend tonight and he said he had been really busy, but a good busy. I told him I didn't think there was such a thing. I hate how we immortalize business in our culture. I hate how I am a slave to it. I hate that the only way we know to "evangelize" is through a program that spans 5 exhasting months, costs $60 per child, and has shown little evangelistic impact in the life of our church. We are a slave to it. It is a great program. It is the best in town, even though the YMCA program has been around for 50+ years. We have tunnels the kids run through, we have smoke machines, we have the Chicago Bulls intro song, we have adjustable rims for all ages, we have equal playing time, we have an individual award after every game. We do great things for kids. We build up their self-esteem, we develop their character and we introduce them to Jesus. We do really great things, and the results seem good:
Over 250 Kids Accepted Christ last night
Over 30 Adults Accepted Christ last night
Over 60 of those are unchurched
Over 40 others marked that they are looking for a church home
Tons more adults raised their hand after the dynamic, pointed, bold salvation invitation. I would guess 150 did. When he asked those same people to stand up for their faith, about 60-75 did that! The others quickly and sheepishly put their hands down. Great stuff. Great results. But...

Is this the best way, or is this our way. Do we have to compete with Grey Y (the YMCA league) to win families to Christ? The vicious cycle I see is that a HUGE program like this reaches people in mass, while distracting us from the natural opportunities we have to live Christ in front of our neighbors on a daily basis, reaching them relationally. I know that Jesus spoke to 5000+ at one sitting, but one of the greatest insights I ever heard about that was that Jesus didn't go running after them. They came to Him. They came running to Him. Following Him. Seeking Him. He didn't have a program. He didn't even use pizza... or any food. He had to take that from the offering of a little boy, because the crowd came to Him, because they were drawn to the man, not His "program".

Reality: If our church stops Upward many people would be angry. It could potentially cripple our church. Our people have become proud of it. The community has become proud of us. The other churches look to us and HEAVILY rely on us to get this work done. Heidi and I are really the only two who understand what is really all going on in the league.

I don't know what all this means. Do we keep doing it forever, even as our church has decided to move to relational living, rather than programattic living? Do we phase our role out of it and allow it to survive? Do we keep doing it as a community service, and just do a better job at developing relationships through it? I don't know the answer. I am not as cynical as I sound, but I am really tired. I do need to go to bed and stop whining and I do love that line that Eric gave me over 3 years ago. He said, "James when you answer the phone say 'Upward Up Yours!".

Now that it funny.

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The Church Without Walls

One of my closest brothers in Christ, Craig, gave me this book in 1998. For those of your who are counting that was 7 years ago, which is also a little over one fourth of my lifespan. I had picked it up a couple of times, read what Craig wrote in the inside cover numerous times, got through the first chapter a few times, but never really dove in... but it always rose to the top of the heap when I chose a new book to read. If I took three books to the bedroom it was often one of them, but always lost in the final cut.

Well, my master's class... Historical Foundations of Ministry changed all of that. It was actually one of the assigned texts for the class and I had to write a reflection paper on it. It pumped me up so much that I have read the entire amount of two of my books for this class and the majority of the third, which is far more than I have ever done for a class before (except in Rick Ryding's classes which were always Nouwen books, whether the class was on Curriculum Design or Church Administration... thank you Rick!).

The cool thing is that I knew why the Lord had me wait. I knew why he allowed my taste for this book to brew a few years. I wasn't ready. I simply wasn't ready. The Lord has changed me so much this past year, that this church history class, has rocked my world. To see where we have come from, where we have strayed and how that plays out in what we call church today is painful. At the same time it gives me hope. I look at all these "characters"; the church fathers, the monks, the reformers, the modern day megachurch guys... and I fell a lot more connected to them now and a lot less bitter... I think. I see folks who sincerely wanted to see the Kingdom of God advanced and set out to do it the best they knew how. I see guys with hearts of gold. I see guys with lives of discipline. I see guys who seem like spiritual superheros. At the same time, I see guys who generally went back only so far in their reforms, they built off what they knew, what they were raised in. In Jim Petersen's book, The Church Without Walls, he calls for something more. He calls us to debunk all the clutter of the past 1950 years and get back to the early days, the days of Scripture, the days of the Apostles, the days when the gospel was fresh. He calls us to start there. To lay our foundation from the stones of the teachings of Jesus and reclaim some of the major elements of church we have lost. He calls us to community. He calls us to life as a body, in a body and with our body of believers.

I dig it. I buy into it, but it isn't because Jim Petersen wrote it. It is because God has been stirring this in mine and Kelly's life for a year and a half, and he has been stirring it up in the lives of those around us (Benji & Sarah, Joe & Heidi, Dave & Kathy, Hal & Louise, Pastor Mike & Vicki and many many more). He prepared me for this book. God laid the foundation in my life to be able to process all Jim said, to be able to process all history had to tell me, to be able to process where this may lead my family someday.

Sometimes I tell Kelly that it feel like God has made it more difficult on us by opening our eyes to all that He has in the past five years. He could have left us alone. He could have allowed us to be more wrapped up in the institution of the Church than we are wrapped up in Him. He could have let us live our lives contently blind to many of the truths unveiled to us. It seems like we would have been happier, more peaceful, more tranquil... if you will.

But... I know better. Thank you Lord for opening our eyes. Thank you Lord for revealing yourself to us in new ways. Thank you Lord for sending Mark, Rick, Eric, Craig, Jeff, my parents, Melanie, Andrew, Chris, all those mentioned above, and many more into our lives to shape them in dramatic ways. Many have played a part and many more will. Thank you for constantly reminding me that I don't get anything yet, that I am still learning to walk in your ways in an new way everday. Thank you Lord. It sure is fun.

P.S. I really have been going to bed early. I repent about this late posting. I played basketball really late tonight.

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Childbirthing Pains

I am experiencing childbirthing pains and they hurt really bad. As I try to help raise these teens the Lord has entrusted me with it is often so painful. Tonight, at 11:00pm my phone rang. It was one of my teens. This teen has some of the greatest potential to change a school that I have seen in anyone. They are fun-loving, outgoing, extremely popular, good looking, athletic, musical and in addition to all that pretty humble and very nice to everyone.
This teen has a natural draw to God. They randomly showed up at our church a couple months after I had come here because their parents had stopped going to church and they wanted to go somewhere. A couple of weeks later their parents started coming and in the last couple of years numerous teens have come due to their invitation, including some of my strongest student leaders.
The popularity factor has led to an ongoing struggle the past 2 years as they desire to please God, but are so drawn to please their friends. The cool thing is that this teen is always so often about these struggles and always tells me what they are and how intense their failures have been.
Well, the past couple of months have been great. There has been evident growth in many areas of their life. Last Wednesday we had an awesome talk after youth group and covered some intense struggles they are dealing with. On Friday we went to lunch and I talked bluntly about their potential and how I didn't want them to look back 5 years from now and wish they hadn't wasted the opportunity they had in high school to impact so many lives. They agreed and we decided that we needed to start meeting: This teen, me and at least 1 of their friends. They talked to their friend and told me all about it on Saturday. We were pumped about the possiblity of what lied around the corner and then...

Temptation rolled in.
A Bad Decision.
A Worse Decision.
A Harsh Fall.
A Difficult Call (to me).

It is so sad. It is so difficult. This teen it broken and torn up over this and I am too. I should have see it coming. I should have been able to tell that Satan would launch an all out assault. I should have forseen the battle. I should have...but I didn't . Instead we went separate ways on Saturday evening, about 6pm, and I didn't even pray a word of protection over them.
Youth ministry... all minstry probably... can really make you feel inadequate. It can really make you feel like a failure. It can really make you feel unspiritual and un-Spirit-led. It just seems that if I was walking in the Spirit I would have had discernment that evening. Instead this teen is left with scars and I am left trying to find a way for healing to begin in the midst of confession and retribution.

I would call all of this birthing pains. As I am trying to give birth to mature Christians it really hurts to push them so hard. It feels like most of them like it in the womb and don't want to come out. They are comfortable. They are safe. They can't be touched by anyone... and they can't touch anyone else's life. And then, just when I have one trying to get out, ready to get out, wanting to get out... they get stuck...

and that hurts.
It hurts them.
It hurts me.
and I imagine it hurts every woman reading this just to think about that.

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What's Blogging?

I think I temporarily forgot about blogging the past couple of weeks. I don't just mean I forgot to post. I mean that I completely forgot blogging existed. I didn't post. I didn't read other's posts. I didn't even think about reading other's posts and then choose not to. I forgot. That is so wierd, because I had become a daily peruser of my friends blogs.

I think it all began when I realized I had to kick it into high gear for my Master's class weekend Feb. 3-4. I had a lot to write. Way more to read and a long 3 days of class (not to mention the 3rd was my wife's B-day and I had to make the 2 hour trek back home for the surprise celebration for her only to head back the next morning. 6 hours driving in 24 hours time... I actually enjoy that kind of stuff.). I think that all the commotion and motion threw me off and jostled me from my new routine of being refreshed by my friend's blogs.

Today I saw a short video on-line and one of the guests wrote a book about how blogging is changing the world we live in. It woke me from my slumber and I began to surf. Eric had written more in the past two weeks, than he had in a few months (including an awesome quote from his pal's blog concerning fasting... which I read to my community tonight after dinner). Kevin had been bogging away at his normal, good, regular, quality pace. Others had done the same. So... I caught up on my reading, thought I would explain my absence and now I am done... almost...

Life has been sweetly complicated lately. I thought there was a decent chance two of my best friends were moving here, but they aren't. My pastor and church are moving in a unique, very exciting, very decentralized, very fresh, very deprogrammed direction, but I wish it were here now, instead of way down the road. My community who eats together still does so, but feels like it needs some juice, some life, some challenge, some spark, some passion... or maybe it is fine and I just need that inside. My "job" feels good right now, I like what is happening in the group, I like my role, I like where we are headed, but I want more... of something. My mind is active with fresh vision/new ideas/hungering for passion/desiring adventure, but I feel that I must wait, rather than pursue these things.

Basically, I feel called to be where I am at, and yet something lurks and draws me to something else. That "something" could be here or not here, it could be soon or far away, it could be God-motivated or self-motivated, it could anything. What it is for now is a feeling. I can't wait to find out what it is, when it is and where it is... even if the "something" is here. That part doesn't matter as long as God will give me more passion, more fire, more freedom, more of Him and more of His Vision.

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Busy Day

6:00 Out the Door
7:30 Toledo Hospital Heart Transplant for Friend from church... delayed until 9:50
10:00 Hang out with the other church friends visiting
10:30 Leave St. V's
11:30 Meet with Friend Dave C. for lunch
1:15 Meet with Youth Worker/Friend Mary to discuss youth, etc.
2:30 Begin hour long phone conversation with youth worker/friend
3:30 Discourgaing Conversation with friend
4:00-7:00 Staring at computer, trying to type something creative, returning calls, doing "busy work", totally drained from day full of constant go, discouraged from last encounter, quite sad

7:00 Phone conversation with that friend
+
7:30 Dinner date with KELLY!
=
Good Day

The only problem... I think that 13 hour work days are retarded. That is lost time. I don't get time and a half. I don't get comp time. I can work 7 thirtenn hour days in one week and no one would notice the difference. There is always something that still needs to be done, someone who could use a call, one more thing to write, print or copy.

I had gotten really good at going home at a decent time and respecting my family time, but I have had three of these days in two week, not to mention one weekend retreat, one overnight meeting and now a three day class next week.

Perhaps this is not simple stuff.
Perhaps this is not simple enough.
Perhaps my community gets discouraged from me being gone so much.
Perhaps my wife gets discouraged by the same thing.
Perhaps I need to think about this a little more and act on it a lot more.
Perhaps the hard part its what to give up
Perhaps it is simply returnig to the discipline of in early and out on time.

We both want me to finish my Master's now, before the adundance of kids comes our way, so we will press on. I must relearn the balance...

Perhaps.

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The Sermon

It has been a couple of weeks since the sermon, but that isn't due to shock or embarrassment. It is due to the demands of time.

The message of the day was simple... we are called into a LOVE RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS. The difficult/scary/nerve-wracking/peaceful in a wired sort of way thing was that the way this was delivered in the two services was similar in nature, but radically different in not only where we ended up, but how we got there.

The best way to summarize what the Lord did is this... after the first service I was approached by several people who shared some way that the message had touched them. The interesting thing is that what they shared was vastly different. . The first service definitely headed toward a call to the love Jesus and love HIS BODY. I talked a lot about my adopted Grandma Dorothy who passed away that week and how she totally, radically changed my life... simply through her love relationship with Christ that radiated from her. I ended up talking about about mentoring and modeling a lot, but mostly about how our love for Jesus should be so evident that anyone and everyone in our church should be able to see it.

The second service the same thing happened. The sermon clearly took a different path and a different emphasis at the end, but it was very similar in the focus on loving Jesus. In fact that is what it was all about. Can others see that you are clearly utterly in love with Jesus? ... the way I saw it in Grandma Dorothy? The same reaction occurred, lots of conversations afterwards, sharing lots of different ways the message spoke to them.

Now I know that this happens in every sermon. Different folks get different things out of it, but this really was way more drastic and way different than that. It felt to me as if Jesus came into that place and guided my words even more than He ever had before. It felt as if He walked through our church family and sat down beside each person and shared some time with them. It was as if He personally invited each person into a deeper, more intimate, more sincere, more obvious love relationship with Him. It was as if He Was There!

I have seen people cry in a sermon before, but never like this. A few people commented on the same thing, that they had never seen such a large amount a congregation moved in that way. Young adults, senior adults, teens and all those in between... there were so many in tears. I promise that the only explanation I could come to was that Jesus was there in a very real way and when we encounter our Christ in that intimate of a setting it moves us. The words of the sermon disappear and face of Jesus takes center stage as He draws us into his arms.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense. It is late. I played too much basketball tonight, so I am a little dizzy right now, but I wanted to get this out, to share some thoughts on that sermon, to stop leaving you hanging from my last post.

The Lord really stretched me through this. It was so amazing to me how the use of my gift broke me, stretched me and molded me, while He used it to do the same in others. I was really broken and stretched during that week, even that morning I felt tense when I awoke and realized He was actually sending me up to the pulpit with what He had given me and no more. This journey with Jesus really stretches me so many times, but He knows that when He doesn't do that I get lazy, so I guess I will trust Him, and journey on.

I love Jesus...
but I want to be In Love with Him so much more.

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