Loserville

In case any of you were wondering how much of a loser I am:


One of my buddy's sites says he is only 4% loser... yeah right Roger!
I saw how you could change the numbers and was tempted to, but I wanted to take all my masks off and reveal my loserness.

Read more

Journaling

I have done about 10 pages or written paper journaling the past few days. There is a lot swirling around in there. I am thinking that I will post some of that on here eventually, but not today. The time in California was too brief, but very helpful. I was able to share a lot of what I was feeling/dealing with while surrounded by other who totally understood, because they were feeling those same things. I left with a special new connections with some of Jimmy's friends and a boatload of lessons we all learned from his life.

Work stuff is so busy right now trying to catch up from the past three weeks or Class, Funeral, 30 hour Famine Prep. The 30 Hour Famine was amazing. the kids were amazing. The volunteers were amazing. The projects were amazing. I showed up at 8am on Saturday morning (over half-way thorugh it). Everything had gone smoothly, teaching everyone once again that they don't really need me here. It really was a new way of doing events/anything for our ministry and I look forward to what that might mean in the future of shared ministry.

We have a rad demonstration in our church lawn right now. There is a huge sign that says
"29,000 kids die every day from Hunger.
HELP! (in huge letters)
Make a Difference
30 Hour Famine
422-8660"
All around the sign is a rudimentary graveyard with rough looking crosses, made up of broken pallets, serving as the gravestones. It is a little haunting to drive by and some folks have heard people in the community talking about it. You can even see it from the interstate, which is the first cool reason I have discovered for our church's location.

I just wanted to keep you all updated. I will write some of my thoughts on all of this recent activity soon.

Read more

A Blank Stare

How am I supposed to respond to this? How am I supposed to act? If I go to class tomorrow will I randomly break down and cry, or will a night's sleep give me some new perspective that is far from my mind right now. Jimmy Bagby is dead.
He hung himself on Sunday night... His family just started telling his friends yesterday... I found out today... I will be mourning for a long time.
One of my closest brothers from college. The one person who was willing to look into my life, call me on some secret sin struggles and then push me to overcome them. When Jimmy walked into a room it got brighter. He had a charisma that was downright magnetic and drew people from all walks of life to him. In one ten minute conversation Jimmy could get anyone to confess anything they were hiding from the world. He had a way of asking you questions about your life, probing deeper into your answers and staring you straight in the eye that said, "I care more about your life than you do. Please don't stop talking, because I want to know you!"

Time with Jimmy changed your perspective. You suddenly realized how self-absorbed, prideful and egotistical you were, because he so blatantly others-centered, humble and selfless. To this day I think of Jimmy;
everytime I blow someone off,
everytime I interrupt someone else's story to share my own,
everytime I hurry a conversation in order to talk to someone else in the room,
everytime I talk more than I listen,
everytime I share more than I hear,
everytime I fail to value the person I am talking to over myself...

Why, because I saw James Bagby do the opposite of those things a million times a day, and I never once saw him surrender to those wide-spread, selfish (almost natural) tendencies.

Jimmy loved people. He valued their time more than his own. He valued their problems more than his own. He valued their voice more than his... but it didn't seem he didn't value his.

I called him two weeks ago. He called three times since then. He called me last Friday. He called a few other people as well, as if that is any comfort for my guilty soul. I was setting up for NYI Convention, rushing around, giving people assignments. My phone rang, I saw it was Jimmy, smiled, muted it and checked the message 30 minutes later.

"James, you are blessed soul, a brother, a light in my life. Thanks you so much for continuing to pursue me throughout our lives..." he went on to say he was coming my way soon on a trip and wanted to meet up, and I believed him. I was so "busy" that night, I didn't return his call. I was so "busy" the next day, I didn't return his call. I have been so stressed with my Master's class all week, I never returned his call. Would it have mattered? I don't know, but the weight of the guilt is heavy on my shoulders.

Jimmy loved life. He loved new experiences, working with old people, eating new foods, sharing love with kids, making new intimate friends, digging deep with college kids, serving anyone, smiling, making someone smile, he loved people... He loved life.
He made me smile, but this last act of his has made me cry... alot... I don't know how to cope here. I don't know what to feel, or act or do. I have never lost a friend like this, and I feel like there is no one to blame, except those of us who weren't there and could have been. I have been through the valleys of depression and to the edge of dealing with it, and Jimmy brought me back from it more than once. I couldn't do the same for him. Why didn't the Lord stir me, or wake me, or urge me, or move me? Why LORD!!! It doesn't make any sense.

I am left with a blank stare and nothing more to offer.

Read more