Sporadic Sadness

I was just working on my expense report for church. I go through my credit card each month these days to make sure I am not missing any receipts I need to be reimbursed for. I estimate that I have "donated" somewhere in the realm of a thosand dollars, plus or minus a hundred, over the course of my 6 years of ministry. Although it is probably much more.

I saw a line item that read:
"Jun 11 Jun 11 WENDY'S #0543 Q25 VAN WERT OH"

I sat there for a split second trying to place why I was in Van Wert on June 11th. The the line reappeared in my brain:


Suddenly my expense report has become very frivolous as I sit in my office trying to deal with this emotion of losing someone I love(d) so much. It doesn't seem real to me at all. It seems so distant, so hazy, so unbelievable. A recent picture of her is hanging on our fridge and I often look at it and laugh, thinking about how funny she is and how I can't wait to see her next time I go home. Then the sudden sadness sets in as I remember the reality I live in. She is gone.

Yes, I will see her some day, but I have no clue what that will look like. Folks say she is in heaven with Elijah and my baby brother Joshua, but there is no scripture to confirm that to my skeptical mind. I don't even know if I will remember her or if she will remember me when I get to heaven. I don't know if it will even matter then, but it matters now, and I keep find myself surprised by these sporadic bouts of sadness.

It stinks that these sad moments have dominated my random blogs of late. There is actually much joy and excitement in the air. We met with some amazing friends last night for an intimate time of "church". You can read more about it on Kelly's blog.

Her thoughts mesh with mine. I keep thinking I will tell the story of all that is happening in a once a day, seven part series. For those of your reading this who haven't talked to me much in the past 2 months, life is changing in some amazing ways (other than the fact that I have a beautiful child). The Lord has blown some doors open for us, and he continues to amaze us with God moments daily... conversations, "chance"/ordained encounters, revelations and visions of great things ahead. I will catch you up soon. For those of your with blogs, I caught up on all of you last night. Peace my friends.
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Has It Really Been This Long?

Life has been crazy.
Life has been crazy.
Life has been fun.

It is such a joy to have Halle in our lives, but I have not really found the time to get on here. I am going to post an e-mail I sent out about Halle, which I think anyone reading this probably received. It is such a blessing to have her. It is so amazing to hold her. It such a gift to kiss her.

We have been blessed.
I will bless you with pictures soon.

Lots more going on with the Fuzzy Bernstein's "vision", but I want to build you all up the climactic ending instead of blurt it out, so you must wait. I will say this... God is more actively evident in my life right now that I have see Him in a long time, and I have no clue why. I do not feel that I am being more faithful, more obedient, more spiritual. I think He just has his timing, and He has choosen now to reveal himself to me in some sweet ways. encounters, conversations, kindred-spirits, encouragement. His words to me continue to come in many form, and I am soaking them all in.
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