One last post for my twenties

I know I haven't been on here for a while. Thanks for the wake up call K. Actually, I have been on here quite a few times, but every time I begin to post I feel like it is too long or too brief, too thick or too simple, too serious or too silly... so I decline to post and save my thoughts elsewhere.

In all honesty I have so much running through my head lately, that a consistent record of my thoughts would contain a vast array of random topics and thought processes that have consumed my mind, and it would clearly reveal the insanity that lies therein. Many new "things" have begun and ended, but I will wait until another day to share some of that... perhaps.

Today I am writing simply because this is the last post of my twenties. I turn 30 tomorrow morn, and I feel a bit awkward about it. My college buddies who have preceded me into this 30 something realm have appeared unintimidated and unaffected by it, but I am not in that camp. I think it sucks that my 20s are over. I really enjoyed them and I feel old. I feel like I should have accomplished something great by now. I feel like I should have "made my mark" by now... in what, I don't really know, but in something. I have always had these grandiose dreams of doing great things or making a difference on some large scale, but I am not sure what that is really all about.

The past 6 months of transition have made me less sure and less confident about most questions concerning career, vocation, call and ministry. At the same time it has made me more sure and more confident about what those things don't look like. I am more aware of what are some of the non-negotiables in my life and the life of my family; elements of our life together and our life with others that we can not and will not live without from here on.

I am content in many ways, even more fulfilled that I have ever been before, and yet I am restless in others. I am asking a lot of questions to myself and of myself. I am seeking answers... passively at times and aggressively in moments. I am growing... as a person. I am learning some new things; about myself, about my marriage, about others, about being a Christ follower. I like our new pace of life; slower, more intentional, more communal, less hectic, less demanding, more available.

At some point I was rather clear about what my future would look like, but that vision is very blurry now. I am ok with that... I think. I just wish I were 5 years younger asking the questions that we are asking now and taking the actions in our lives that we are now pursuing. I have sought to encourage this in others, especially a few friends who recently graduated from college, and it has been very rewarding. I am happy with where we are at in the process... most days... and other days I simply don't know where we are at or where we are headed.

I enjoy our community. I enjoy our endeavor to discover community and mission. I enjoy discovering more about who I am. I enjoy conversations. I enjoy my daughter... so, so, so much (I feel so bad for those of you who don't know her, because she can make your day with one look... even if you aren't her father). I enjoy my wife... more each day (I feel so bad for those of you who don't get to see her often, because her presence is life giving. She is honest and sincere and real and funny and knows how to throw a great dance party for our family). I enjoy this place in my life, so 30 really isn't bad, it is just weird, because something is seemingly ending, even if it is an imaginary line. I hope to write more, but time will tell. I miss you all and hope to catch up on some of you through blogs and e-mails soon. peace.