The Peace That Passeth...

My Grandma Clouse died tonight around 8:30pm.

Her name was Juanita Rose Clouse. She made it clear throughout my life that I was one of her favorite people in the world. She adored me. I adored her.

It is so hard to lose someone who loves you so much, and whom you love so much. She made her love so clear to me. She always built me up. She always made me laugh. She always made me smile. She was so, so, so, so good to me.

She was my last surviving grandparent. That makes my 28th birthday (which just passed) seem a lot older. It makes me feel a little lonely, even though I still have 4 left on Kelly's side. All 4 of my grandparents played a huge role in my life. I lived with them at times. I went on road trips with them. I vacationed with them. I hung out with them. I shared with them. I helped them. They supported me as if I were a superstar, but Grandma Clouse was my biggest fan in the world.

I haven't cried yet. I knew this was coming. I even talked about it at a meeting I had tonight. They found spots 2 weeks ago on her pancreas, liver and elsewhere and we all knew what it was without the tests. She knew. She didn't want the tests. She was ready to go. I think she just let go. I am so glad she didn't have to suffer I guess. That was the one thing I was dreading with this recent news. I didn't want to have to watch her suffer for weeks, months, years.

She seemed so healthy in some regards. She did have some physical problems and Alzheimer’s , but she could still carry a sane conversation and sometimes the Alzheimer’s was fun... Like when we got to break the news that we were pregnant to her 7 times!!! She was more excited each time.

My second to last conversation with her was great. She made sense. She knew what was going on. She was aware. She was funny. She was present. She seemed so healthy.

Man, I am going to miss her!

My life circumstances have sucked lately... My friend's suicide, the kidney stones, deadlines pressing in, increasing stress at work due to all of these time-takers, being gone this entire week back and forth from District Assembly and BLAST. No time. No peace. No rest. I was actually feeling some relief tonight because of a cool new direction I feel the Lord has been leading me toward the past couple of weeks (through all of these rough circumstances). I had talked to Benji and Chris H. On the way home (from district assembly-1 hour) about it and was feeling energetic and pumped, amidst this storm, but this news just sucked it out of me. I don't understand.

So much pain. So much grief. So much the opposite of peace. Lord, if you are trying to teach me something, humble me, break me, whatever please find me ready and stop the onslaught of pain! I am broken. I am in pain. I am humbled... Aren't I?!? I want to be taught. I want to grow. I am trying to hear you, but this pain is melting my brain. I am becoming less capable of thought, less able to hear, less competent to understand. I need some relief. I feel pushed to the limit. You know how I was earlier tonight. Did this have to happen tonight?!?!?!?! One more thing? Please protect our baby. Please don't let anything happen to her. Please don't allow me to be tested in that way. I can not handle that kind of pain. I need relief Lord. I need relief.

I need peace.