+-+Family+Posed.BMP)
I understand the source of conflict in a typical church. Drastically opposing philosophies of how to minister, how to worship, how to dress, how to do politics, how to do life… but in community, in “true church” many of those drastic differences seem to fade as the “one-mindedness” emerges.
Yet, I have found that difficult times will arise. That tense situations do occur. That feelings still get hurt. False impressions are sometimes given. Communication breaks down. And… conflict happens.
I am the type that tackles hard feelings and sticky situations head on. If my feelings are hurt, or even more so, my wife’s, I deal with it, in the most expedient way… often too expeditiously. I sometimes hurt others feelings. I sometimes say too much. I sometimes come off too harsh, but it seems better than holding things in, allowing them to brew and fester and form chasms between me and those I am in community with. I feel that as we deal with these things conflict may occur, but it is conflict for the greater good. We learn more about one another. We embrace one another. We are more raw, more real and more honest with each other. On the other end of the conflict lies deeper community, more sincere unity and a greater understanding of the one mind/spirit/body concept we find in Scripture.
The one mind/spirit/body concept puts meat on its bones through conflict. I recognize areas I am too judgmental in. You recognize areas you are too overbearing in. I recognize ways I am too harsh. You recognize areas you are too passive. We both recognize ways we can better relate to and understand one another. Isn’t this one of the primary tasks of the body of believers… to become one body, one mind, one spirit? I don’t seek out conflict, but I see how it leads us further along that path.
Obviously I had a conflict with someone I love, someone I am in community with and I feel bad about it. They hate conflict. They hate dealing with the issues. They would rather avoid them and move on. I recognize this is just a different personality, but as a result my frustrations are magnified in their mind, and form a perceived gap between us in their mind. I only write all this because I am rather confident they don’t read this and it is a good place to get feedback on the place of conflict in community. So please respond with your thoughts… and your frustrations concerning conflict in community.
3 comments:
No definitive sage wisdom here, but I can share what has worked in my biggest relationship turn-around. My mother deeply loved me and showed pride in me growing up, but I felt like I could never disappoint her, that I had to be perfect and agreeable, even if I didn't agree. As a result, I had a lot of pent-up frustration and rage, and when I finally felt able to express myself in college, it came out hateful and rebellious. So I agree that holding it in or avoiding it will only lead to superficial or illusory relationships, and could be hazardous to both persons' well-being. A few honest phone conversations where I told my mother what I was thinking and feeling, and her willingness to love me and listen regardless of how hurtful it became was the path to healing and intimacy for us. We have an incredible relationship now, where we can be honest about anything and I know that we will both still be there for each other afterwards. We still disagree on many things, even core values, and we disagree on how to resolve conflicts and what our relationship should look like, but we don't disagree on the fact that we WANT and CHOOSE to have this relationship and that it will COST something to make it worthwhile. And that recognition on both our parts makes us try to understand one another, forcing us to really communicate, not just assume what each other wants and thinks.
For your relationship with this loved one to work through the conflict, the issue of conflict has to be brought up, even if not completely resolved. You have to both agree that the relationship is worthwhile regardless of your disagreement and pain. If either of you choose not to have this relationship, the healthier option is not to sustain a miserable, damaging relationship, but to part ways and accept a superficial acquaintance. I don't believe this avoids reconciliation--it recognizes personal freedom, maintains civility, and allows both participants to choose their role effectively.
Hi James!
Well, for what it is worth, it is good to know we are not alone in the world of conflict! (smile) I think the key is that we never take the stance that "I am right and you are wrong!" We must learn to "disagree agreeably" and if we cannot come to agreement on the issue, we need to agree to "leave it alone" and respect each other's feelings. After all, how do we know who IS right and who IS wrong?
Yet, as we are personally going through conflict right now, we are trying to help a fellow Christian become more effective as we know they long to be.(Anyone reading this, rest assured this fellow Christian is not James.) This individual has so much talent and so much passion but just "comes across" totally different than they think they do. This is not our opinion, but feedback we are getting from several others who are withdrawing from them due to how they relate. This person has such a loving,tender heart and has awesome leadership abilities but is not effective as they can be due to people misunderstanding their intentions ... ineffective communication in efforts to help and lead.
According to the scriptures we should encourage and exhort one another in the Lord. Unfortunately many, both younger and older Christians, fail to communicate directly with those who offend them ...They prefer to run from conflict. They "unload" on others about their frustrations, which actually lends itself to "gossip" (If you are not the problem, a part of the problem, or a solution to the problem but you are talking about it, you are gossiping)and, thus division in the body. So, when you try to represent those who will not represent themselves, in an effort to help the offender continue to grow and be effective, you hurt the offender because the "constructive criticism" is not from you alone, even though you may also be a first-hand witness of the miscommunication.
It hurts to receive "constructive criticism". That is why we must first be bonded with a Christian brother or sister in a God centered love. Even then, it hurts. However, I agree with you that it is necessary to acknowledge any conflict and talk, pray, work through it so God can do the great works He has planned for you and your "brother". We must always seek to be humble, though, for we ourselves are certainly not perfect. God bless you and grant you wisdom in your endeavor to work through this conflict. I will be praying for you, Son.
Love,
Mom
I've heard it said that the hardest thing in life is to do the right thing. Knowing what's right isn't usually that tough, but doing it... that's another story. I think that it is hard to do what we know is right because we are often afraid of what others may think, of how people will respond, of what may become of dreams of ours.
In the midst of conflict I find this still is true. Where finding out what is right is sometimes difficult, doing it is even harder.
The bottom line in it all is that none of it works if you don't trust each other, if there is not a commitment to the long-term. But when there is... how beautiful. Iron does sharpen iron.
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