+-+Family+Posed.BMP)
I grew up Nazarene.
I have always been committed to the Nazarene church.
I have always felt obligated to the Nazarene church.
I have always felt I could/would help "change" the Nazarene church.
I have known no other reality that this.
I recently realized that no matter how committed I am to the Nazarene church, it is not committed to me. I have seen a few close "Nazarene" friends rejected, ridiculed and dismissed due to differences that contradicted tradition, but not Scripture.
Tonight James the Nazarene took a fatal shot.
It was a little conversation, with a few eye-opening statements that fired the trigger.
I feel like James the Nazarene is stumbling around right now, but it only a short time before he falls.
I don't know if healing is possible at this point, perhaps survival, but I am not sure about healing.
I have no clue what life will look like when I get back up. I have no clue what kind of impact this will have on the future of my family. I am not saying I am moving or resigning or running. I am just saying I am really broken right now, really stumbling around, really dizzy from it all. Tonight hurt.
I really don't know what all this means for me. It may only look different on the inside for a while, or it may look different on the outside very soon.
All I really know is that James the Nazarene took a fatal shot.
8 comments:
love you friend.
you know you can call us and talk any time.
praying for you, Kelly, and Halle right now.
Sorry to hear about your very real pain. I can say that I empathize. But I can also say you don't need to walk my path to find restoration. May peace find you while you live in the battle.
I love you James
-andrew
my heart hurts for you brother.
i love you. the peace of Christ be with you as you struggle.
james, you are so deeply loved. i was gone for a couple of weeks and just read your entry. my heart is with you and kelly. - michelle
Hi son,
I could kick myself for not blogging, or at least taking time to read your blog, sooner. Life has just been quite stressful and hectic as I finished up the school year. I had no idea that you were struggling with hurt ... and that hurts ME. I am your mom and I always, ALWAYS, want to "be there" for you. I know that miles separate us and I can't put my arms around you and give ya a "momma hug" and I know I can't put on a bandage to make it all "allright". Your daddy and I have "been there" before ... hurt by the church ... confused by traditions verses God's scriptural directives. I hurt for you.
Remember back when you were in high school and told me you were going to be a youth pastor? Remember how I questioned you as to whether or not you had a "calling" in that direction? Remember how hard it was for your daddy to "give you to God" for the ministry. We knew how, eventually, almost every minister of the gospel gets "hurt" in someway. Sometimes that hurt and disillusionment can almost cause you to lose your faith. We wanted to save you from that.
As I look back on our times of hurt and disillusionment ... our confusion and feelings of the "church" letting us down ... I realize that the same thing happened to Jesus. Even His closest followers abandoned Him. And Jesus asks me "Who are you doing this for?" Not for those who find fault and criticize ... not for the "church" ... but for the kingdom of God to be proclaimed ... for souls to be saved ... to try to let others hopefully "see Jesus in me".
I want you to know I believe in you and I am proud of you for sticking up for what you believe and holding true to your convictions despite the persecution that is sure to come your way. Next time,give me a call so I can be praying more specifically as I will as of today.
Love Always,
Mom
I know I'm late to this particular party, but let me say that I while I don't know how you are feeling, I have felt similar things many times before.
Let me press you a bit as I have been pressed when feeling this way. What is it that this tribe gives us? What should we be looking for from it?
I'm not trying to change you or your mind, I'm just trying to ask the question with others.
BTW, it was good to be with you last week.
I just had a rather lengthy but brilliant comment erased, so I guess what I was supposed to say was...
I don't really know how you are feeling, but I know I've thought many of the things you are articulating here. In an attempt to just ask these questions together...
What is it we are looking for from our tribe? What should we be looking for? What shouldn't we be looking for?
BTW... great to be with you last week.
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