Passover Seder

I am going to a Passover Seder in about 20 minutes. The Lord has really been revealing some crazy cool stuff to our community about Jewish customs and feasts and how they enrich our journey with and toward Christ. The two primary influences have been Dave Cornwell and Hal Fogarty, two men connected with our church in some way and connected with our lives in a more intimate way as of late. These two have been so challenging to all of us. They know the Scriptures in and out, their flame of their passion grows with age rather than fading away, their patience and pacing with us is calming. They are not puffed up with knowledge. They do not see themselves as above and beyond us in our youth. They allow us to share all our ideas and convictions and then walk through the Scriptures with us. So cool.

I will probably post more sometime on the Jewish customs and traditions that we have begun to explore a little more lately. My church history course has really revealed to me why we stopped all of those feasts and customs around 70 AD. All I will say for now is that it wasn't because the Scirptures told us to. I have really begun to feel that Paul is quite misunderstood. It had a lot more to do with persecution, rejection and retreat. I know all of this must sound crazy, but I have randomly met so many people lately who are realizing these same things.

For those of you who are so wise to realize this isn't the actual time for Passover we realize that. This seder is happening at our church actually with about 30 people from one of our adult Sunday School classes... we are doing another one at the actual time at a friend's home... not that I would have know the difference.

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Friendship, Intimacy & Community

I had a rough day. I don't know what it was. It was my off day and it started out well. I spent some time in the Word. I spent some time with Kelly. I started to work on our taxes and then something hit me. I just felt lonely, alone, isolated.

It has been interesting to see those feelings arising often in me lately. It seems that I have been very analytical when it comes to friendship lately. I feel like my friends are sick of me. I feel like they have met their quota. I feel like I have overstayed my welcome in their life. It only takes misunderstood comment, an unintentional look or a "feeling" to set me off on my self-loathing. Joe and Heidi couldn't come over tonight (Heidi has been home sick for 2 weeks until today), but Benji and Sarah came. I made it through dinner and finally blurted some of my feelings out towards the end. I don't know what I expected. I just felt I had to be real. I had to share my intense drive towards intimacy by being vulnerable and intimate. I had to lay it on the line.

I quickly felt like retreating, but opted to talk longer instead, there was little said in response. Sarah shared some encouragement, Benji went and got the guitar, Kelly and I started cleaning up and I slipped away to the Master bathroom to sit in darkness on the stool and catch my breath (pants up and on). I regrouped and heard a knock on the bedroom door. I flushed the toilet instinctively to cover up my regrouping session and saw Benji. He shared a lot of thoughts from Scripture for about 45 minutes+ as I sat and listened.

Then we prayed.

The Lord revealed to be during prayer that intimacy, community, friendship and vulnerability are all great things that He created and values, but that I often tend to place them over Him. I often get to the point that I lift my earthly friendships over my heavenly relationship. I prioritize those I can see over the One who lives inside of me. I recognized the sin. I repented to God and Benji. I asked the Lord to be my love, my heart's desire, my one true aim. I asked Him to capture me. I asked Him to make Jeremiah 29:12-14 be more real to me... that as I seek Him I will find Him, when I seek Him with all my heart!

I love my friends, but I worry too much about what they think about me, about what I do, about how I act. Classic low self-esteem case, but also classic "eyes not on the right thing" case. My eyes need to be on Jesus, not others. He needs to fill my need for intimacy and friendship and then allow my other friendships to benefit from the overflow. This is probably one of the most raw and embarrassing entries I have written.

Sometimes I feel like I am just too complicated. I usually feel like everyone else feels that way. Who am I to question God's creation? It seems like self-hatred is probably a sin. Psychologists probably wouldn't tell me that, but it seems the Scripture screams it.

Set my eyes on you Lord.

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Upward Up Yours!

I have been directing or co-directing Upward Basketball and Cheerleading at our church for four full years now. The year before I moved here they had 249 kids in the league. All of the leadership team moved away. I moved here 4 months before the season began and thought that it might be a cool thing to be involved in. 450 kids signed up that year. I was overwhelmed. I was working 70 hour weeks (no lie) regularly to try and pull it off and deal with the demands of a growing youth ministry. It was crazy!... but I survived.

The next year we had 681 kids and I was swimming once again. I basically put my youth ministry on hold for a couple of months to attempt to deal with this massive beast. Half way through the year I looked at my finances and realized I could have hired someone to work 10-15 hours a week to take some of the load off my shoulders, which I did... the following year. That year we had 850 kids sign up as I trained Heidi to transition into leadership. We hired her officially as a secretary I guess (she claims I told her that... hahaha), but the role developed into that of Director. I really took that primary role that year as Heidi learned the ropes, but she rocked it out this year with over 925 kids in the league and me assisting her from the sidelines. It has been an enormous blessing to have Heidi relieve me of this enormous pressure and free me to pursue other outlets of ministry.

Yesterday (Tuesday, March 15th) was Awards night. This thing is huge. It is this gargantuan experience that dominates a couple weeks of the year in preparation and is over in less than a couple of hours. There are hundreds of door prizes, amazing entertainment, individual awards for every player and tons of fun. The numbers have grown from 1500 or so my first year to closer to 2300 this year. This was to be my first year as the primary "right-hand" man to Heidi as the leader, but then she got sick.

Heidi is pregnant. She got a viral illness two Mondays ago, but I thought she would get better. On Thursday she went into the hospital and I began to panic. I worked on the Awards Night the rest of that day. On Friday 32 of the youth group took off on a trip to Muncie, Indiana for ATF (my teens pressured me into it). After no sleep and a lot of draining activity I got into bed in Findlay at 1am Sunday, woke up at 7, went to church, worked on Upward in the afternoon, went to the Core (leadership teens), worked on Upward at Heidi's vacant house (all the stuff was on her home computer), went to small group, returned to work on Upward, rolled into bed at 2:30am, rolled out at 9:00, worked on Upward all day, set-up 2400 chairs etc at 6pm, went home to work on stuff that I transferred onto my computer (which I just got back from the shop... out a week... that really hurt... roughly 160 e-mails... 110 were junk mail), worked on Upward until 4:30am, woke up at 8:30, met folks at the Venue at 9:00, was there until 10pm (except for a 1/2 hour shave and change clothes break).

Are you serious!?!?!? This is not a life meant for anyone. I was talking to a friend tonight and he said he had been really busy, but a good busy. I told him I didn't think there was such a thing. I hate how we immortalize business in our culture. I hate how I am a slave to it. I hate that the only way we know to "evangelize" is through a program that spans 5 exhasting months, costs $60 per child, and has shown little evangelistic impact in the life of our church. We are a slave to it. It is a great program. It is the best in town, even though the YMCA program has been around for 50+ years. We have tunnels the kids run through, we have smoke machines, we have the Chicago Bulls intro song, we have adjustable rims for all ages, we have equal playing time, we have an individual award after every game. We do great things for kids. We build up their self-esteem, we develop their character and we introduce them to Jesus. We do really great things, and the results seem good:
Over 250 Kids Accepted Christ last night
Over 30 Adults Accepted Christ last night
Over 60 of those are unchurched
Over 40 others marked that they are looking for a church home
Tons more adults raised their hand after the dynamic, pointed, bold salvation invitation. I would guess 150 did. When he asked those same people to stand up for their faith, about 60-75 did that! The others quickly and sheepishly put their hands down. Great stuff. Great results. But...

Is this the best way, or is this our way. Do we have to compete with Grey Y (the YMCA league) to win families to Christ? The vicious cycle I see is that a HUGE program like this reaches people in mass, while distracting us from the natural opportunities we have to live Christ in front of our neighbors on a daily basis, reaching them relationally. I know that Jesus spoke to 5000+ at one sitting, but one of the greatest insights I ever heard about that was that Jesus didn't go running after them. They came to Him. They came running to Him. Following Him. Seeking Him. He didn't have a program. He didn't even use pizza... or any food. He had to take that from the offering of a little boy, because the crowd came to Him, because they were drawn to the man, not His "program".

Reality: If our church stops Upward many people would be angry. It could potentially cripple our church. Our people have become proud of it. The community has become proud of us. The other churches look to us and HEAVILY rely on us to get this work done. Heidi and I are really the only two who understand what is really all going on in the league.

I don't know what all this means. Do we keep doing it forever, even as our church has decided to move to relational living, rather than programattic living? Do we phase our role out of it and allow it to survive? Do we keep doing it as a community service, and just do a better job at developing relationships through it? I don't know the answer. I am not as cynical as I sound, but I am really tired. I do need to go to bed and stop whining and I do love that line that Eric gave me over 3 years ago. He said, "James when you answer the phone say 'Upward Up Yours!".

Now that it funny.

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The Church Without Walls

One of my closest brothers in Christ, Craig, gave me this book in 1998. For those of your who are counting that was 7 years ago, which is also a little over one fourth of my lifespan. I had picked it up a couple of times, read what Craig wrote in the inside cover numerous times, got through the first chapter a few times, but never really dove in... but it always rose to the top of the heap when I chose a new book to read. If I took three books to the bedroom it was often one of them, but always lost in the final cut.

Well, my master's class... Historical Foundations of Ministry changed all of that. It was actually one of the assigned texts for the class and I had to write a reflection paper on it. It pumped me up so much that I have read the entire amount of two of my books for this class and the majority of the third, which is far more than I have ever done for a class before (except in Rick Ryding's classes which were always Nouwen books, whether the class was on Curriculum Design or Church Administration... thank you Rick!).

The cool thing is that I knew why the Lord had me wait. I knew why he allowed my taste for this book to brew a few years. I wasn't ready. I simply wasn't ready. The Lord has changed me so much this past year, that this church history class, has rocked my world. To see where we have come from, where we have strayed and how that plays out in what we call church today is painful. At the same time it gives me hope. I look at all these "characters"; the church fathers, the monks, the reformers, the modern day megachurch guys... and I fell a lot more connected to them now and a lot less bitter... I think. I see folks who sincerely wanted to see the Kingdom of God advanced and set out to do it the best they knew how. I see guys with hearts of gold. I see guys with lives of discipline. I see guys who seem like spiritual superheros. At the same time, I see guys who generally went back only so far in their reforms, they built off what they knew, what they were raised in. In Jim Petersen's book, The Church Without Walls, he calls for something more. He calls us to debunk all the clutter of the past 1950 years and get back to the early days, the days of Scripture, the days of the Apostles, the days when the gospel was fresh. He calls us to start there. To lay our foundation from the stones of the teachings of Jesus and reclaim some of the major elements of church we have lost. He calls us to community. He calls us to life as a body, in a body and with our body of believers.

I dig it. I buy into it, but it isn't because Jim Petersen wrote it. It is because God has been stirring this in mine and Kelly's life for a year and a half, and he has been stirring it up in the lives of those around us (Benji & Sarah, Joe & Heidi, Dave & Kathy, Hal & Louise, Pastor Mike & Vicki and many many more). He prepared me for this book. God laid the foundation in my life to be able to process all Jim said, to be able to process all history had to tell me, to be able to process where this may lead my family someday.

Sometimes I tell Kelly that it feel like God has made it more difficult on us by opening our eyes to all that He has in the past five years. He could have left us alone. He could have allowed us to be more wrapped up in the institution of the Church than we are wrapped up in Him. He could have let us live our lives contently blind to many of the truths unveiled to us. It seems like we would have been happier, more peaceful, more tranquil... if you will.

But... I know better. Thank you Lord for opening our eyes. Thank you Lord for revealing yourself to us in new ways. Thank you Lord for sending Mark, Rick, Eric, Craig, Jeff, my parents, Melanie, Andrew, Chris, all those mentioned above, and many more into our lives to shape them in dramatic ways. Many have played a part and many more will. Thank you for constantly reminding me that I don't get anything yet, that I am still learning to walk in your ways in an new way everday. Thank you Lord. It sure is fun.

P.S. I really have been going to bed early. I repent about this late posting. I played basketball really late tonight.

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Childbirthing Pains

I am experiencing childbirthing pains and they hurt really bad. As I try to help raise these teens the Lord has entrusted me with it is often so painful. Tonight, at 11:00pm my phone rang. It was one of my teens. This teen has some of the greatest potential to change a school that I have seen in anyone. They are fun-loving, outgoing, extremely popular, good looking, athletic, musical and in addition to all that pretty humble and very nice to everyone.
This teen has a natural draw to God. They randomly showed up at our church a couple months after I had come here because their parents had stopped going to church and they wanted to go somewhere. A couple of weeks later their parents started coming and in the last couple of years numerous teens have come due to their invitation, including some of my strongest student leaders.
The popularity factor has led to an ongoing struggle the past 2 years as they desire to please God, but are so drawn to please their friends. The cool thing is that this teen is always so often about these struggles and always tells me what they are and how intense their failures have been.
Well, the past couple of months have been great. There has been evident growth in many areas of their life. Last Wednesday we had an awesome talk after youth group and covered some intense struggles they are dealing with. On Friday we went to lunch and I talked bluntly about their potential and how I didn't want them to look back 5 years from now and wish they hadn't wasted the opportunity they had in high school to impact so many lives. They agreed and we decided that we needed to start meeting: This teen, me and at least 1 of their friends. They talked to their friend and told me all about it on Saturday. We were pumped about the possiblity of what lied around the corner and then...

Temptation rolled in.
A Bad Decision.
A Worse Decision.
A Harsh Fall.
A Difficult Call (to me).

It is so sad. It is so difficult. This teen it broken and torn up over this and I am too. I should have see it coming. I should have been able to tell that Satan would launch an all out assault. I should have forseen the battle. I should have...but I didn't . Instead we went separate ways on Saturday evening, about 6pm, and I didn't even pray a word of protection over them.
Youth ministry... all minstry probably... can really make you feel inadequate. It can really make you feel like a failure. It can really make you feel unspiritual and un-Spirit-led. It just seems that if I was walking in the Spirit I would have had discernment that evening. Instead this teen is left with scars and I am left trying to find a way for healing to begin in the midst of confession and retribution.

I would call all of this birthing pains. As I am trying to give birth to mature Christians it really hurts to push them so hard. It feels like most of them like it in the womb and don't want to come out. They are comfortable. They are safe. They can't be touched by anyone... and they can't touch anyone else's life. And then, just when I have one trying to get out, ready to get out, wanting to get out... they get stuck...

and that hurts.
It hurts them.
It hurts me.
and I imagine it hurts every woman reading this just to think about that.

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What's Blogging?

I think I temporarily forgot about blogging the past couple of weeks. I don't just mean I forgot to post. I mean that I completely forgot blogging existed. I didn't post. I didn't read other's posts. I didn't even think about reading other's posts and then choose not to. I forgot. That is so wierd, because I had become a daily peruser of my friends blogs.

I think it all began when I realized I had to kick it into high gear for my Master's class weekend Feb. 3-4. I had a lot to write. Way more to read and a long 3 days of class (not to mention the 3rd was my wife's B-day and I had to make the 2 hour trek back home for the surprise celebration for her only to head back the next morning. 6 hours driving in 24 hours time... I actually enjoy that kind of stuff.). I think that all the commotion and motion threw me off and jostled me from my new routine of being refreshed by my friend's blogs.

Today I saw a short video on-line and one of the guests wrote a book about how blogging is changing the world we live in. It woke me from my slumber and I began to surf. Eric had written more in the past two weeks, than he had in a few months (including an awesome quote from his pal's blog concerning fasting... which I read to my community tonight after dinner). Kevin had been bogging away at his normal, good, regular, quality pace. Others had done the same. So... I caught up on my reading, thought I would explain my absence and now I am done... almost...

Life has been sweetly complicated lately. I thought there was a decent chance two of my best friends were moving here, but they aren't. My pastor and church are moving in a unique, very exciting, very decentralized, very fresh, very deprogrammed direction, but I wish it were here now, instead of way down the road. My community who eats together still does so, but feels like it needs some juice, some life, some challenge, some spark, some passion... or maybe it is fine and I just need that inside. My "job" feels good right now, I like what is happening in the group, I like my role, I like where we are headed, but I want more... of something. My mind is active with fresh vision/new ideas/hungering for passion/desiring adventure, but I feel that I must wait, rather than pursue these things.

Basically, I feel called to be where I am at, and yet something lurks and draws me to something else. That "something" could be here or not here, it could be soon or far away, it could be God-motivated or self-motivated, it could anything. What it is for now is a feeling. I can't wait to find out what it is, when it is and where it is... even if the "something" is here. That part doesn't matter as long as God will give me more passion, more fire, more freedom, more of Him and more of His Vision.

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Busy Day

6:00 Out the Door
7:30 Toledo Hospital Heart Transplant for Friend from church... delayed until 9:50
10:00 Hang out with the other church friends visiting
10:30 Leave St. V's
11:30 Meet with Friend Dave C. for lunch
1:15 Meet with Youth Worker/Friend Mary to discuss youth, etc.
2:30 Begin hour long phone conversation with youth worker/friend
3:30 Discourgaing Conversation with friend
4:00-7:00 Staring at computer, trying to type something creative, returning calls, doing "busy work", totally drained from day full of constant go, discouraged from last encounter, quite sad

7:00 Phone conversation with that friend
+
7:30 Dinner date with KELLY!
=
Good Day

The only problem... I think that 13 hour work days are retarded. That is lost time. I don't get time and a half. I don't get comp time. I can work 7 thirtenn hour days in one week and no one would notice the difference. There is always something that still needs to be done, someone who could use a call, one more thing to write, print or copy.

I had gotten really good at going home at a decent time and respecting my family time, but I have had three of these days in two week, not to mention one weekend retreat, one overnight meeting and now a three day class next week.

Perhaps this is not simple stuff.
Perhaps this is not simple enough.
Perhaps my community gets discouraged from me being gone so much.
Perhaps my wife gets discouraged by the same thing.
Perhaps I need to think about this a little more and act on it a lot more.
Perhaps the hard part its what to give up
Perhaps it is simply returnig to the discipline of in early and out on time.

We both want me to finish my Master's now, before the adundance of kids comes our way, so we will press on. I must relearn the balance...

Perhaps.

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The Sermon

It has been a couple of weeks since the sermon, but that isn't due to shock or embarrassment. It is due to the demands of time.

The message of the day was simple... we are called into a LOVE RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS. The difficult/scary/nerve-wracking/peaceful in a wired sort of way thing was that the way this was delivered in the two services was similar in nature, but radically different in not only where we ended up, but how we got there.

The best way to summarize what the Lord did is this... after the first service I was approached by several people who shared some way that the message had touched them. The interesting thing is that what they shared was vastly different. . The first service definitely headed toward a call to the love Jesus and love HIS BODY. I talked a lot about my adopted Grandma Dorothy who passed away that week and how she totally, radically changed my life... simply through her love relationship with Christ that radiated from her. I ended up talking about about mentoring and modeling a lot, but mostly about how our love for Jesus should be so evident that anyone and everyone in our church should be able to see it.

The second service the same thing happened. The sermon clearly took a different path and a different emphasis at the end, but it was very similar in the focus on loving Jesus. In fact that is what it was all about. Can others see that you are clearly utterly in love with Jesus? ... the way I saw it in Grandma Dorothy? The same reaction occurred, lots of conversations afterwards, sharing lots of different ways the message spoke to them.

Now I know that this happens in every sermon. Different folks get different things out of it, but this really was way more drastic and way different than that. It felt to me as if Jesus came into that place and guided my words even more than He ever had before. It felt as if He walked through our church family and sat down beside each person and shared some time with them. It was as if He personally invited each person into a deeper, more intimate, more sincere, more obvious love relationship with Him. It was as if He Was There!

I have seen people cry in a sermon before, but never like this. A few people commented on the same thing, that they had never seen such a large amount a congregation moved in that way. Young adults, senior adults, teens and all those in between... there were so many in tears. I promise that the only explanation I could come to was that Jesus was there in a very real way and when we encounter our Christ in that intimate of a setting it moves us. The words of the sermon disappear and face of Jesus takes center stage as He draws us into his arms.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense. It is late. I played too much basketball tonight, so I am a little dizzy right now, but I wanted to get this out, to share some thoughts on that sermon, to stop leaving you hanging from my last post.

The Lord really stretched me through this. It was so amazing to me how the use of my gift broke me, stretched me and molded me, while He used it to do the same in others. I was really broken and stretched during that week, even that morning I felt tense when I awoke and realized He was actually sending me up to the pulpit with what He had given me and no more. This journey with Jesus really stretches me so many times, but He knows that when He doesn't do that I get lazy, so I guess I will trust Him, and journey on.

I love Jesus...
but I want to be In Love with Him so much more.

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A Little Hesitation... a little

I preach in the morning and this has been the most difficult sermon preparation I have ever had. I never felt a huge inspiration, an overpowering spirit, an ah-ha. I spent almost all day Thursday and Friday reading most of Paul's letters, some of the Gospels and a alot of other Scripture just waiting for something to jump out at me and .... nothing.

Finally a friend said, "Maybe the reason He hasn't give you a sermon yet, is because there isn't supposed to be a sermon on Sunday." ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?

If I am honest, which I think I am, Sundays without sermons have always been my favorite, whether it is a kid's program or the Spirit intervening, it is just nerve racking to think that the Lord would be clearning the way for that, by putting me in an awkward predicament. I mean, what if the tithes and offering was collected, I approached the pulpit and then.... nothing... no supernatural presence... no instantaneous inspired sermon... nothing.

To make the long... shorter... I finally surrender through another 1/2 hour of lights off, music playing, face-down prayer to do whatever the Lord wanted.

Then tonight he gave me something. It doesn't feel like normal. It doesn't feel as clean cut, definitely not as "deep", actually really simple, but it feels REALLY right and a little scary, because once again... He has to move, since it will really suck if it simply my words.

I trust Him, but I guess the point is that the purpose isn't to make me look good. It is for lives to be impacted for the Kingdom. That could happen through me sounding, looking, seeming really stupid tomorrow. The question is then, am I ok with that?

I think so.
I hope so, because I have a feeling that it might be just what happens in some way.

My only comfort, Mary and Joseph were in the same boat. I bet most people thought they were a bit crazy spouting off that they were the proud parents of God. I bet that for many of those folks that never was resolved. They always thought the Joesph & Mary clan was a little off, and their Son was a little crazy. But, they followed the Lord's will anyway.

So will I, whatever that will may be.

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Dorothy Williams : Hero

One of my heroes in the faith passed away last night, Dorothy Williams. The one lady (other than my mother) who I think has prayed for me the most... every day for 17 years or so, usually 3 times a day, as she told me countless times. She was my adopted grandmother in my church's Adopted Grandparents program when I was in fifth grade or so, and we never let one another go. She taught me about pray, the Holy Spirit, a joyous spirit amidst hard times, angels, demons, the reality of the spirit realm, simply faith, love and life as a Christ follower. I bought her cheezy Christmas gifts, called her with questions about my faith, escorted her down stairs and out to her car each week at church and hugged her every chance I got.

She was at least 50+ years my elder and proved to me that no one should ever "retire" in the church, because they can always have an impact. She changed my life and set the example for much of my faith.

Grandma Dorothy,
I am little nervous to be without your prayers.
I am a little intimidated to not have you around for advice.
I am extremely happy that you are finally not in pain.
I am excited that you can see clearly once again.
I am overjoyed that you are sitting at the feet or your Savior, gazing upon Your Best Friend, worshipping Our Lord.

Thank You.
I love you.
I'll miss you.

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Beer & Bull. Version 2.72.2005.F

Tonight was awesome. Kelly and I, Benji and Sarah, Dave and Kathy C. and Jeff C. gathered together at Dave and Kathy's home for our version of "Beer and Bull".

On Sunday night we had a family service and there was an awesome spirit there. We actually had an open forum on what a church would look like if it were more communitycentric and less programcentric. This led to a great time of discussion and ended with a laughable, but extremely interactive intergenerational game. These once a month family services have been fun, but this one was special. It was the best yet. The spirit in there was so good, so communal, so family-oriented, so natural that probably 75% of the 100 some folks there stayed for at least 45 minutes afterwards fellowshipping. It was amazing. It was a celebration. It was new for us.

Dave came up and asked me if we were going to get together for Beer & Bull soon, and we said this week. We decided on a day with Benji and Sarah and then asked the Coles to join us. I was really anticipating this gathering and it was all I thought it would be. Dave and Jeff have so much wisdom. Benji, Sarah, Kelly and I have so many questions and opinions. It led to a fun discussion that went everywhere. Ex:

How does the Old Covenant apply to our lives?
If "children are a blessing", then should we use birth control, or is that a sign that we only want so much of a blessing?
Are we open to allowing the Holy Spirit to do anything it says he can do in Scripture, or do we limit Him?
Is gambling ok? (popular question from my teens lately)
Is the modern-day church making the same mistake as the Jews of Jesus' time made, by creating extra-biblical laws and judging other by them?
Should the focus of the church be to reach others or to BE GOD's People, to simply be His Body?
If we are truly His Body, wouldn't that be enough to draw others to Him?
If our churches were smaller (25-50) would it be more natural for the New Testament church to be alive in our midst?
What are the benefits of true community to the believer?
What sacrifices would have to be made in our lives for Real Community?
And so much more...

The radical thing is that we were on all sides of these issues, in and out of Scripture; stating our opinions, citing references, rebutting someone else, but it was so natural, so comfortable, so communal. We were living out the very thing we were discussing a lot of the time. We were entering into each other's personal space, taking of our masks and sharing the beat of our hearts.

I was challenged so much. I was taught so much. I shared too much probably. I learned a bit. I have a lot more to learn. This was one of the most challenging few hours I have had in a long time. The Spirit was so gentle, even when I was dead wrong. New insights were revealed to me with clarity and Scripture.

I hope it was just the beginning. A friend of mine said, so the Guys will call it Beer and Bull, the girls will call in Wine and Wisdom and in public you can call it Coffee and Conversation. For those of you who are wondering... the latter is what it truly was.

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An Erased Entry

I just journaled on here for an half hour about he past year.
I talked about how hard this year has been, and yet how rewarding it has been. I talked about lessons learned from the community of believers that we eat with almost every night. I talked about the transition I am in the midst of and the millions of questions that beckon for my attention. I was more vulnerable than I have ever been.
I tried to check the spelling.
It erased it all.

That really hurt.

It really did.

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My Routine

I preached today. Whenever I preach I tend to have a routine for preparation.
1) Start asking the Lord sometime that week what in the world He is going to have me preach on.
2) Something is revealed to my through Scripture and often through a conversation with someone else.
3) I set a slot of time aside (preferably 5-8 hours) and get away. This time is usually a lot of fun. If it is later in the week (Friday or Saturday, which is often is) then I get a bit nervous and pressured while I am preparing, but I am usually calm. I typically go to either a coffee house or a library. While I am there I give myself breaks every hour or so to check e-mail, go to espn, call someone... basically anything. This time is always alone though.
4) If this time is cut short (3-4 hours) I will go out one more time for 2-3 hours alone.
5) When it is finished I print it and then go through it with Kelly, usually this is Saturday night. This is actually quite funny. I would never do this part of the process in front of anyone else, because it is basically me practicing my sermon, without the calming presence and power from the Lord I feel come over me when I am actually preaching. I am wound up when we do this. I am moving all over the room. I say things like, "Uhmmm...sooo...then I will probably say something about such and such and then... well, I'll just do it... listen". I laugh non-stop. I say, "this part is probably stupid alot." I basically just a big goofball who doesn't know what to do with himself.
6) After I get through it we talk about it. She gives some awesome insight and helps me see where it wasn't connecting, and how it could a little better. She let me know which parts seem long, or more likely, parts that could go long because of the potential for story telling... which I love. Her feedback is so comforting, so helpful and so fun. It is probably my favorite part of the prep. I think we both look forward to it.
7) The final phase is putting the finishing touches/reviewing it that night in lieu of my time with Kelly. I usually take the five pages and condense them to an outline of 2 pages, so that I can simply look at my notes on my way past the pulpit.
8) The morning over I review my printed outline a lot; during tithes and offering or a special, etc. I am on that edge of excited and nervous the entire time.
9) Finally, when the time is coming close a calm comes over me. I am excited to share, but not nervous in the least. I continually ask the Lord to take my words out of the equation and make it only his words. I can actually sense the power of the Holy Spirit filling me as the time comes.
10) I always surrender the sermon to God in prayer before I begin and then off we go.

I wrote this more for me than anything else. It is fun to sit back and see how it all cycles through. I never planned it, it isn't scripted, but this is generally how it works every time I am asked to preach. It is a bit different or camps/retreats/etc.

It was fun preaching today. I could really sense the Lord close. I could sense His Spirit releasing power as we got deeper into the Word. It feels bad or wrong to say that, like I am somehow exhalting myself or being cocky, but I don't mean it that way at all. I could just really feel HIS POWER and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it wasn't my message, my words or my power. It was His time, and he allows me for some crazy reason to be one of His messengers at times. I am honored for the privilege. I struggle with the responsibility. I usually feel unworthy of the call, but I surrender, I seek, I serve, and sometimes that means I preach, but I refuse to ever do it without HIM!

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Comments

I have thought I added comment to this blog numerous times, but they never start showing up as an option. I am going to post this simply to check it out on this third or fourth attempt to do so. I am so out of it, and so unblogcool aren't I. I know that is what you are thinking!

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Beer & Bull

I was writing on Kevin P's blog last night and shared some stuff I should have put on here, so I thought I would:

I have been meeting with a mentor/friend in my church lately on Tuesday mornings. It has been an enourmous blessing on my life. I look up to Him so much, he challenges me so much, but it feels like I am sitting down with one of the guys from our apartment in college. It is relaxed, amusing, sometimes hilarious, often really challenging, but in a shared way.

I told him about Beer and Bull a couple of weeks ago. He came back last week and said, "I talked to my wife about it and we think you need to start it!" He mentioned it three times before we left. I think he is serious. It struck a cord in him and his wife. The cool thing is that Kelly and I pretty much do that every night as it is, but his response showed me that we need to share the depths of it more, and not just the food. Folks are hungering for that interaction. I am hungering for that interaction.

Our dinner group is still meeting every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. We still invite other over and have actually had more guest in the past few week than we had in a while, but something is missing. I feel the need to share more, to lay more on the table, to share more Scripture, lessons learned and struggles experienced. I feel we have been a little unintentionally guarded lately, because we don't want to be negative or whiney and some of our community is hurting a little bit. I feel that when others join us they would want in on that... the soul bearing. I met with a good brother today and he shared those very sentiments with me, the longing for intimacy and brotherhood.

Beer and Bull is something my apartment did every week for a while in college. On Tuesday night, I think between 10 or 11 we would meet and do whatever together. Sometimes we met earlier and went to Columbus for Skyline Chili and a Movie. Sometimes we talked about deep, hard to share stuff, sometimes we talked about what the Lord was doing, sometimes we talked about whoever didn't make it that night. The constants were two things: 1) IBC Cream Soda 2) Great conversations. We covered every topic imaginable during those times, from silly to sad to sadistic (not too much of that). It was an awesome time of brotherhood and bonding that I have always cherished and often longed for since. The idea is from a bunch of Bostonians I think from the 1800's who used to do it... only at a pub with the real brew. I think the likes of Benjamin Franklin, George Whitfield and some other names some/most of your would know. I will research that little and post it on here sometimes.

Everyone needs a little Beer and Bull in their life. Time to relax. Time to listen. Time to share. Time to hear. Time to Be.

Our church is actually moving in that direction full steam ahead with our small groups... although I think that they will avoid the name :-)
One group has already made the switch. Others have been encouraged to do so. We want to focus more of our teaching during the Sunday School hour and leave the small group time for fellowship, sharing, hearing and living life together, with our neighbors, family and friends. We want it to be open to anyone and comfortable for everyone. We will see how it goes, but the release has happened and the small groups are free to transition from lesson based to community based at will. Sounds like a great movement for our church, especially for me. We will see. Wow! The Lord is doing some cool things.

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Blogging

About 2 months ago I misplaced my journal. Although I record some of my thoughts on here I had been relying pretty heavily on that little leather bound beauty for a quite some time. It kind of sucked the desire to share right out of me. I hate the thought of my more intimate thoughts floating around out there somewhere. I have only sort of dabbled in blogging compared to many of my devoted blogging friends, and reserve that next level of soul-bearing for the written page. I actually really want to open up more on here, bear more, share more, be more consitent. I think it is a great way to share with those we love about the things we love... and hate... and are indifferent to. I think that I always feel a pressure to write a lot or write all of what I am thinking, so then I rarely write anything. I couldn't possible catch you all up on the past 2 months, but I will begin to write a little by a little.

I really want to share my cup. I guess I just have a few inhibitions. So, I must make some blogging declarations for myself. I will cast aside my fears. I will promise to blog at least once every month, and then if/when I blog more I will feel like an overacheiver. I will not be afraid to post something that sounds stupid or isn't well-thought through or is too risky. I won't feel that writing two sentences isn't enough to log on. I will share the high lights and the low lights.... and if I live up to at least half of this I will give my blog out to a couple more of my friends and truly begin this blogging adventure with them and their friends.

We'll see.

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The Continentals

We had a group called the Continentals at our church last night. They are a group of 27 Christian young people (15-25 years old), from around teh country and actually 2 other states, who travel for 3 months straight performing in churches, community centers, etc. They sing, the dance, they dance some more, they speak truth, the dance some more.

I loved the students. I even hosted two of them (both guys) at my house and had a great, great time with them. We played on the X-box until 2:2o am at Joe and Heidi's house and then came home to crash.

I just question that kind of ministry. I don't know what role it serves in the Kingdom. Kelly asked me if the purpose of this group was to give Christians kids a place to perform and travel. It really seems that way. It clearly doesn't connect with my students, and as I talk to other youth pastors they feel the same way. So, is the ministry justified even if it primarily impacts those who travel in it? I guess yes. It is just painful for the rest of us to sit through those type of things sometimes.

Positive Observations:
I will say that they had about a dozen good dancers.
Some tremendous singers.
An amazing Kenyan dance/song.
Great smiles.
Good hearts.
And they made me laugh...

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We're Having a Baby

Kelly and I found out that we were pregnant last Friday. It was confirmed by our doctor yesterday. Friday was the one year anniversary of the day we found out that we lost our son Elijah. I was out of town. Kelly took a test to begin this dreaded and dismal day. The second pink line suddenly appeared. She looked. Blinked. Looked again. Called my cell phone numerous times (I was in class and it was off) leaving 911 messages for me to call her. I called her on a break and we celebrated. We can't believe it! What timing. What perfect timing. The very weekend that we have been fearing, dreading, avoiding any discussion about... came and went with more to celebrate than to mourn. The Lord wanted us to celebrate life, rather than wallow in sorrow. This does not negate Elijah's death. It does not minimize it. It does not lessen its impact on us. It does not make it less meaningful for us. It simply give us life when we needed it most.

The doctor took another test and then transfered us into the ultrasound room. We thought we were 3 weeks pregnant. They told us we are 5 1/2 weeks pregnant! As we stared at the ultrasound of the "perfect, round, centered" embryotic sac the doctor saw something. The nurse and I peered in. There was movement where we weren't expecting it. We didn't know that it was 5 1/2 weeks old yet, but this confirmed it. The heart develops between weeks 5 and 6. We were staring at a "heart flutter" or "cardiac movement". I was witnessing one of the most basic, earliest detectable signs of new life... the formation of our babies heart. The movement or the heart, in its pre-heart form stage. It was amazing. It was life giving. It was real. I can't wait to share it with everyone... when I am allowed.

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75% is a C... Right?

Living in community sharpens, cuts, chisels...

It is a raw challenge at the core of who you are...
in your relationship with God
in your relationship with your spouse
in your relationship with others

We don't live in the same house, apartment complex or even the same street as our community. We began this experiment in intentional community last February... almost 9 months ago. Our commitment to one another was simple...
Share supper with one another 4 days a week (M-F, except Wednesday)
Always be honest
Always be open
Always be REAL
Always be willing to make your own sandwich if you don't like the food
Seek Christ
Share what you find

Those simple beginnings have blossomed into amazing relationships. We were friends before and now we are family. We shared stories before and now we share our lives. We talked about our strengths before and now we challenge each other's weaknesses. We hugged and smiled at our spouses in front of one another before and now we fight, enter with obvious wounds and leave hugging and smiling usually.

It is amazing to me, that with all we have been through with these brothers and sisters I can still leave embarrased. After all we have shared and accepted about each other I can still leave wishing I didn't share that one last feeling. After all the intense weaknesses that we have laid bare, I still wish they didn't know that I sometimes choose to stay up and watch sports rather than go to bed with my wife.

The community that we are experiencing is one of the most exciting things in my life and one of the scariest things in my life. Society has raised me to hide my feelings, to "be a man", to work on my weaknesses in private, to keep a cloak over my sins... all of these are impossible in true community, and that is why those who follow that code of conduct often lack true communion with God. When you aren't honest with other, you usually aren't honest with yourself. When you can't admit your weaknesses to a group of fellow travelers who can and will pray for you, over you and with you, then you probably can't admit them to yourself. True community draws you closer to the heart of God, as you reveal the deep parts of your heart to others and God reveals the deep parts of Himself to you... often through each other.

Tonight the questions was simple... Do you guys go to bed together?
Joe and Heidi... 98%
Benji and Sarah... 99%
Chris and Summer... Absent, but 98%
James and Kelly... 75% (which is up from 50%, since I sacrificed fantasy football this season)
... I love sports. Monday night football, the baseball playoffs, Saturday or Sunday night football show... there is always something, some lame reason a couple nights a week that I surrender the priviledge of going to bed with my beautiful bride and talking until we slumber. I don't want to do that. It isn't a sin, it isn't a trap that leads me into sin, it isn't going to send me to hell, and no one is saying any of those things. In fact, no said anything and no one had to. I got the point. I knew why the question was asked and they knew why they were asking it. We all already knew the response that each couple would give. We all already knew who would leave pondering the question the rest of the night.

I hate community... or I love it.
I hate it if I don't want to be challenged or change, if I am satisfied for what I know of God, if I am complacent about my relationships with others.
I love it if I want to be challenged on the things that matter. The things that will change my life, improve my marriage, push me toward the heart of my Savior, form deeper bonds with my Christian brothers and sisters. I love it if I desire to constantly be growing, pursuing, seeking, journeying, leaping on my God-walk. I love it if I am okay with not always appearing perfect. I love it if I am okay with the fact that I will never live up to the expectations I have of myself. I love it if I realize no one else has those same expectations for me. I love it if I come to grips with the fact that I really should boast about my weaknesses, rather than coyly reveal my strengths and victories. I love it if I really think that the book of Acts is true.

I guess I love it.

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Conversations

Many conversations lately. I couldn't even begin to list them all, let alone give an adequate picutre of their impact. I have been blessed with so many voices in my life. Voices that spark radical living, voices that shun the mundane, voices of welcome reason, voices of loving support, voices of challenge. I have those who push me to new places and those who help me process the dead ends and complicated mazes I find myself lost in. I feel blessed to be on this journey. Kary Oberbrunner calls it a Journey Towards Relevance, for me it is simply a Journey towards the heart of Christ. If He allows me to be relevant on the journey I am blessed. It He allows me to feel liked by others I am thankful. He has allowed me to begin this journey though and for that I am grateful.

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